Amber's ramblings
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2023-03-25 20:48:38 (UTC)


Not really got much to report tonight. Had an argument with him last night. I made the mistake of telling him how I feel. He had ago and we got into an argument. He told to think about how my actions will affect him and other people in my life. I already feel like shit I don't need him making me feel worse. And actually I probably don't care. The only person I care about hurting is mum. She's the one who picked up the pieces when I fell apart. She's been fighting my corner coming to doctor appointments and giving me support and a shoulder to cry on. I don't want to hurt her which is why I'm trying to fight. But it's so hard trying to hold on with a mind that wants me dead. And no one is listening to us. The doctor can't change my medication it has to be the psychiatrist in the mental health team and they are refusing to help me. So what do I do? They will only listen after it's too late.

All I want is a quiet life. No drama. No stress. No voices. Nothing. I just want to switch everything off. Why is there nothing I can do or take to stop the voices. It is so frustrating that no one is listening.

I'm going out of my mind. I hate this. My EUPD is driving me insane. I am so up and down all the time. I was ok earlier when I went over to get my meds. They even made me laugh. Now I'm sat here trying not to fall apart. It's like being on a roller coaster which I can't get off of. The highs are good but the fall to the lows are crap. The medication is supposed to keep me level. Which is why I know it's not working. I give up. Everywhere I turn I'm hitting a brick wall. Running into it head first. So why should I keep fighting only to be knocked further down than I was before. So I give up. I'm not gonna try anymore. I may as well just stop taking my medication because what's the point anymore? It's not helping my mood. It's not helping me sleep like it's supposed to. So why bother.