Life of secrets
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2023-03-25 09:20:40 (UTC)


We are going to my grandmothers house for dinner this evening. I love being around my family. Reminds me of happier times. I forget about the doomed feelings I have. Although at the moment, my mum isn’t talking to me. Or anyone, it seems. And I’m fed up of her little games. She does this every now and again. Goes quiet. Won’t talk. Then she’s suddenly out of it, as quickly as she went into it. And I’m supposed to just continue on the roller coaster ride, pretending like I’m unaffected from having to do this my whole life. I’m quite tired from it. She’s my mum and yet I don’t actually feel like I have one.

I noticed R saw my WhatsApp updates this morning. It was only a video of Frank the hamster with a treat that was too big for him, two photos from my walk last night and a snippet of how many steps I’d done.

I went for a walk last night after dinner with my husband. We did an hour and 15. He wanted to do more and sulked on the way back. It’s that passive aggressive kind of sulk. I’d already done a workout in the morning , and went to the gym after work. So after walking 40 minutes to the park, I was ready to head back. If I’d kept on walking and didn’t say anything and just waited for HIM to say when he was ready to go back, he’d be happy as anything. But because I messed up his plan in his head, and we had to head back, he sulked. He’d disagree and say he didn’t sulk. But I’d tell you, when he was walking to the park he was happy as Larry! On the way back, he didn’t say a word. Two different people, one body.
And I can sense when he’s being an asshole.

By the time we got back home, and we’d watched a film, he’d made a few huffing comments, he was fine again. It’s like having a 5 year old. Perhaps this is why life won’t allow me to have a child. Maybe it thinks I already have one.

I did over 17 thousand steps yesterday. I think probably more than I’ve ever done in a day in my life. Hah.

I sort of cancelled out all the calories I burned by eating dinner, sticky toffee pudding and then a KFC.

But anyway. My body hurts this morning.