Jello's Heart
2023-03-23 21:32:07 (UTC)

A Look In A New Mirror

The name Jello Heart was given to me for the reasons of me being "soft, squishy and sweet" by a friend I've grown apart from.
It was something I took to almost instantly, even creating a persona to bear the monicker and represent me. It was an identity I liked, and lined up with a lot of how I presented myself in most spaces, so it stuck-- still does.

At one point, someone mentioned a different meaning to the title. One of transparency, being open and expressing all of me.

From there, though, I don't know what went wrong. I became... Abusive, unrepentantly awful, and nearly drove away everyone who cared about me. Both meanings of Jello were nearly lost, but a friend made one last attempt at an intervention. We spoke, and smoothed things out, redefining aspects of our relationship.

And then my friend gave me up. And I saw the endpoint of the road I'd been on. It hurts to lose someone, but it may have been the best thing for me. Because it showed me who I never wanted to be.

So here I stand, on the opposite end of so many mistakes. Looking at a mirror showing me a brand new self. Not one of sickly sweet, or oversharing transparency, but one who is choosing to better himself because the only way is forward.

And who knows, maybe I'll re-earn some of the meaning behind this name.

Weird how all this self reflection came from just attending a carnival and riding things I'd always been afraid to.