Amber's ramblings
2023-03-23 20:15:18 (UTC)


So I saw the doctor today. I knew there was nothing she would be able to do. She's going to contact the mental health team again and tell them they need to look at my medication. I'm worried that they'll give me an appointment next week and I'll have to go alone. I admitted to the doctor that I've been saving up my sleeping pills ready to take. I gave them back to mum. I know she was disappointed. She didn't have to say it.

After we finished at the doctor we sat in the car for a while. I was crying and wasn't up to driving. So she took my hand and gave me a shoulder to cry on until I felt better. She makes me feel so safe and calm. I would literally do anything for her. I would defend her till my last breath.

I don't know how I feel right now. All week has been leading up to today and now it's over it's a bit of an anti climax. Nothing has changed. And I don't even have the pills anymore so I'm forced to stay alive. I don't want to live anymore. Need a new plan.

I feel so bad right now. For what I had planned. What if I hadn't had admitted I'd been saving the tablets. If the doctor hadn't have asked I'd be sat here now thinking about taking them. What then? Would I have died? Would I have been out of this emotional pain. And I keep thinking about mum. How could I do that to her. After everything she's done I was seriously considering taking my life. I know she has every right to be disappointed in me. And I feel like shit because of it. I hope she can forgive me. Not that I can forgive myself. She deserves so much more than that.