Amber's ramblings
2023-03-22 20:27:38 (UTC)


Just one more night. That's all I have to get through. Just one night and everything will be sorted out tomorrow. One way or another something will be sorted. I'm still scared that they will try to send me to hospital. I really don't want to go. Mum said she won't let them take me. But I don't know how she's going to stop them. And if they force me in what if they don't let me out. I know I'm too far gone to get the help I needed weeks ago. I'm beyond help now. I tried to get the help I needed and I got nowhere. It's too late now. I honestly don't think the doctor will be able to do anything tomorrow. My medication needs to be looked at. It's obviously stopped working as well. And the only person who can do that is the psychiatrist. And they have refused to help me. So what now. Where do I go from here? There is only one way out of this.

All I want to do is curl up under a blanket and sleep for a while. I didn't sleep again last night. How long can I keep going on like this. I am exhausted. I'm exhausted physically I'm exhausted mentally. I'm just so tired and sleep isn't happening. The doctor needs to find me a sleeping pill that will knock me out. I've got so much crap going on in my head. And I can't ever switch it off. Some nights the voices are so loud I want to rip my ears off just to make them stop. But they never stop. Sometimes they're not as loud and it's more like a mumble than shouting. But it's never really quiet in my head. Maybe my anti psychotic needs to be upped. I'll try to remember that one when I'm talking to the doctor.

Why is life never simple. What did I do that was so bad that I deserved to be treated the way I was and still am. I was definitely born into the wrong family. I've found the family I should have had. And I know they're in my corner. I know they will fight for me. But how long for. It's going to get to the point where they see me coming and dread it.

I was on the edge when I went over there again tonight and this time I fell. Outside I was silent but inside I was screaming. As soon as she hugged me I felt calmer. I always do. I never know how to ask for them. It's not like I had any when I was growing up. I couldn't ask for anything when I was a child. Which is why I have so many issues now. I don't know how to ask for things. I never ask for help because this is what happens when I try. I get ignored. I'm used to it though. I wish I could ask for what I desperately need sometimes.

I'm self destructive. I do stupid things. I put myself in dangerous situations. I don't care if I die. If I can make it look like an accident even better.