Amber's ramblings
2023-03-21 20:35:01 (UTC)


I've been up and down again today. I reached out to my bestie again. I said we need a catch up. She read the message but didn't bother to reply. I'm not reaching out again. Next time I talk to her will be when she messages me. I've tried a couple of times now and I get nowhere. So I'm not going to bother her anymore.

Why do I feel like everyone is abandoning me. I really feel like there is only one person who's got me. One person holding my hand and keeping me here. I bought her some flowers today. She liked them I think. She told me to stop spending money on her. I don't mind. She's done so much for me if I can make her smile with a bunch of flowers I'll do it.

I feel empty. I seriously don't know how much longer I can hold on. 2 more days and I see the doctor. And I'm not holding out much hope that she will be able to do anything.

Had a good evening with the parents. I love spending time with them. I love talking to them. I absolutely hated spending time with my biological parents. I could never get away fast enough. But then when I was with them I spent the time being criticized and put down.

Back in 2011 I had a breakdown and had to go to the hospital every day for a few weeks. I couldn't tell anyone in my family because they use it against me. Even when the hospital wouldn't let me go home and kept me in. My family never found out. I'm going through it again and again none of my family knows. None of my friends know. The only people who know are a few who are close to me here on the site I live on.

The one thing I'm terrified about is going back into hospital. I don't want to go it's a scary place. In 2011 when they wouldn't let me go home I couldn't stop crying. Being there made me worse and they wanted to keep me in for a while. The only reason they let me go home the next day was because my friend Jim turned up and told them to let me go with him. He promised to keep me safe and they eventually let me out. And what if they do put me in hospital who's going to look after Penny? I know there are people here who I can ask. But I really don't want to go to hospital. I almost dehydrated last time from all the tears I was crying. I couldn't stop. Litterally was crying all night. They gave me a sleeping tablet which didn't work. And I wasn't allowed to leave my room. I felt like I was in prison.

Just before that happened I went to a retreat in London. It was a sanctuary for people who are suicidal. On my last day there one of them took me to the hospital a and e and they got in touch with my local mental health team and got them involved. Then they put me on the coach and sent me home. Like there wouldn't be any danger of me getting off the coach and doing something stupid. Obviously I didn't but when we stopped for a break I did think about it. I thought about walking out onto the motorway Infront of a lorry. It was dark so he wouldn't have seen me. I've been thinking lately to just drive down the motorway and pull onto the hard shoulder. It would be quick and simple.

I'm trying so hard not to think like that. But it's so hard being in a body that wants to stay alive with a mind that wants me dead. I can't get out of this dark place. It feels like the walls are closing in around me. I can't breathe. My chest feels really tight. I just want to curl up and hide for a while. I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't even want to open the door just keep it closed and not open it for anyone. But I have to go out tomorrow. And again on Thursday. And Friday I have college. Friday I have college as long as I'm not in hospital and still alive. We'll see.

Having bad flashbacks tonight. It's setting off my anxiety. And the voices are loud again. They never shut up. I'm losing my mind. When I was at the parents earlier one of the other neighbours came down. I know she has a problem with me. Anyway she only popped in but as she was leaving I could hear her whispering with mum and the voices convinced me it was about me. Like I need more paranoia in my head. I want to slap her stupid face. Tell her if she's got something to say about me say it to my face and not behind my back. But that's not who I am. I'd never hurt anyone no matter how much they deserve it. If I get angry I cry. I hate that I'm a cryer when I'm angry. That's how people walk all over me. If I think I've upset someone I feel really bad and get emotional. If someone has ago at me I cry. I don't cry at sad films. Well mostly. There is one or 2 films that will set me off. When I'm myself I am really strong. I keep everything inside and it works for a while. In those days I don't need anyone else. I am strong and independent. But when I'm like this I can barely function on my own. I hope I can come out of this. I have to just think about the parents. Especially mum and what it would do to them if I was successful. I'm trying to think of them but it's really hard right now. I just need to hold on until Thursday. Because one way or another this will be over. Either they get me the help I need or . . .

I don't need to say it. I don't want to say it. I just need Thursday to be over.