Life of secrets
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6.35am. His alarm went off at 5.30am and I’ve been up since. Don’t know why he’s still got his alarm on…. Not like he needs to get up for anything.
I was using R’s Netflix the other day - I’ve used it for many years - and I put something on that required subtitles, when I realised they were in Romanian. I instantly closed down the Netflix and created my own. I don’t need any drama from that girl. But also, confirms to me that he’s involved with her still. Which I cannot believe. He will ruin his life with her. But also makes sense why he blocked me from all social media, including WhatsApp. I think it’s her. After a couple days, he’d unblocked me on WhatsApp.
There goes the hope of us ever being friends again.
I’m exhausted today. I did an hour walk yesterday and a workout. That kind of made up for the binge I went on, the day before. I did an hour and 15 walk the day before but got home and ate the equivalent of my weight.
Then I gave myself a stomach ache and he had to sleep downstairs because the flatulence was something else.
My mum is going through one of her episodes at the moment and won’t speak to anyone. A couple nights ago, I couldn’t sleep because it hit me that she’s just selfish. I’d been calling her and messaging all weekend and she’s just flat out ignoring me. In a few days, she’ll contact me like nothing happened. And I have to act like everything is fine and just continue on the roller coaster of emotions she puts me on. Ive done this for years. Living with it was unbearable. She’s the reason I married the person I did… I basically married what I was used to. She’s the reason I’ll never be happy. And I’m just fed up. So I’m not calling anymore. What do I do when she contacts? I don’t know. How many more times will I do this?
Dad gave me some money towards the upcoming rent. I feel a little less stressed now however, he now knows my husband has lost his job and he’s kind of lost hope of us getting the house. I haven’t. I think it’ll still work out. With or without a job. I’ve got hope.
If it doesn’t work out, I’ve decided we will move away. Outside of London. You can’t buy anything these days unless you move away. They’ve made it almost impossible.
Dad didn’t want us to. But I barely see him anyway. My brother didn’t want us to. But once he’s out of jail, he’ll be on tag and I won’t see him much either. Why base my life around everyone else ? Dad moved away when I was a teen. And my brother left the country. Ok he’s back now but he was literally willing to never see us again 10 years ago. And up until recently he spoke of moving abroad. Which is heaps worse than me moving 30 miles away….
Sometimes you have to do what’s right for you. And unfortunately the world doesn’t allow us to do what we want to do.
On the topic of the world.. anyone else find it to be extremely scary these days ? I feel I live in fear. TikTok doesn’t help. It really doesn’t. That app is scare mongering at its best. I’m so afraid of the Bible being true. I know it sounds like I’ve totally changed the subject but I haven’t. So many things that people post, makes me think of the end of the world. Armageddon. I know I’m not getting through that right now and I feel like I’m just waiting for my inevitable death. I’m absolutely terrified.
I don’t feel I’ve lived a life. And if I try to do it now, it isn’t working. Trying to get a home and have a family doesn’t seem to be happening for me. So I’m left wondering what to do with my life. This was all I wanted in life. A family. A happy home. Why so many blocks to get it? Why do some people just get it all, so easy?
So many questions.
I feel like I’ve been waiting for many years and half the time I dont even know what I’m waiting for.