Jello's Heart
2023-03-20 20:38:00 (UTC)

Value of a Smile

Been thinking about my value a lot lately? Which is weird, because I used to spend my days telling myself I didn't have any and I never would. I've always been kinda pessimistic about this sorta stuff, but some stuff in the past few weeks has really changed my perspective, even more so about myself.

I'm a Christian, born a second generation, so I innately believe I have worth-- or at least I should. I used to repeat to myself that I was God's mistake, some leftover scraps dumped into a trashy body and accidentally unleashed. It... plagued me for years, and the church I went to growing up didn't exactly help. I stopped repeating it out loud eventually, but damage done is damage done. On the other side of having lost my friend? I don't believe it any longer.

I am here for reasons, I was placed here for something, and while I don't fully know what it's for, I believe it now.

But I've also realized-- or maybe re-realized, that if I so much as make one person smile, then my entire life has been worth it. I make my mark on others, not through the vanity of this world. A glimmer of life in the midst of a world that would swallow it whole, and if I can tend that glimmer, then I deserve to keep breathing. And perhaps most importantly, that glimmer I tend to, can also be my own.
My smile is just as valuable as any other.

A lot of the thoughts I've had lately have just been very... self-fulfilling?
Cutting through years of darkness and chains of self-hatred, wearing an armor forged in the fire of pain and love, and armed with a sword made of my own willpower.