AmberG

20/03

Had a good evening with the parents. They say I'm getting cheeky. It's only because I'm starting to feel more comfortable with them now. I told them the more they get to know me the weirder I get. They've seen my dark side. They've seen my happy side. They haven't seen my weird side. I'm sure they can handle it. I wanted to take them for a makeover and photo shoot. They didn't like the idea. So I'll have to think of something else. I've seen what I want to get them for Christmas. I know it's early but I like to look so I'm prepared in December. I felt ok when I left there but now I'm just numb. I hate feeling numb. It's never a good sign. Self harm is on my mind right now. It's lucky I don't have anything sharp here. Good job I asked mum to look after my knives. I don't want to go back down that road but I can feel it calling to me. And I don't know how strong I am and if I can resist. I feel like nipping to Tesco and buying a pack of razor blades. I'm fighting the urge for now but I don't know how long I can resist. And what happens if I do go and get some? I'm pretty sure that mum would know. She always knows when something's wrong. And I can't lie to her. Trust is a really big issue for me and I don't want to ruin it by lying to her. It's not worth it.

I'm trying to breathe through this. It's not working. I don't want to feel like this. And I don't want to live on this planet anymore. People suck. I can count on one hand how many people I trust and would do anything for. Less than 5 people out of 7 billion.

He messaged me yesterday. Said he misses me. I don't know what to do with that. I miss him too but we broke up for a reason. He told me we could only be friends now. How can we be friends. We were lovers we were soul mates. We can't go back to being just friends. We've been through too much. He's thinking we're going to meet in the summer. And I don't know if we will. At the moment I'm saying no. But what if he catches me on an off day. Before I know it we'll be meeting and I know a couple of people who won't be happy with me if I do. I'm so confused. He's playing with my head. He was the one who called it a day. I was the one who decided to stay away. Does he want me back? If so what do I do? He's no good for me but knows me so well. He knows everything about me and the only other person who comes close to knowing everything is mum. My heart is raw. I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to keep away from him because I know if he said something now I would take him back. And that would be a mistake. Things aren't going to change. And I can no longer wait for him to make up his mind. What am I saying, he already made up his mind.