miki

It's fine. You ..

It's fine.
You don't need to.
I reached out to you as a cry for help, but just like everyone else you dismiss it easily.

It's okay is what I want to say. It's not okay is what I mean to say.

I understand why I'm pushed away after I aggressively, desperately reached out to you. You see and read the aggression, not the scream behind what I say. You can't read it in my eyes because I don't let you look. And at the same time I assume you wouldn't even want to look.

My throat is cut and bleeding. You don't see that because you wouldn't come here to see me. I'm a friend you say? It doesn't feel like it. I kept telling you.

I keep saying it's not your fault. You're a part of my remaining stability. By doing what you do, I kept losing even that.
I don't blame you and I don't want to guilt trip you. I always thought I made my gratitude clear. I tried so hard to not put the weight of responsibility on you.

And yet I'm here, alone, thinking about you and how you could tell me that I'm wrong. For feeling what I feel...

You made me comfortable talking about death like it was the weather we discuss.
I thought you humoured my obsession and didn't think about it.
I thought you listened so I could get the thoughts out and gain perspective.
Couldn't you have told me before today just how much you hated it? While always listening with a smile and replying with that dry factuality I always appreciated because I didn't feel judged when I struck this morbid topic about how I perceive my death wish that comes with a simultaneous fear? Couldn't you have given me signals to make me understand that no, you're not comfortable humouring me?

It doesn't even hurt, and it makes me want to go deeper and harsher all over my body.

I'm not blaming you, I just misinterpreted everything.

If i wouldn't be the way I am, I would never have upset you this much.

It doesn't change me.
It doesn't change my depression.
It doesn't change my death with.
It doesn't change my fear of death.

I am who I am.
And I regret it with every single breath I take.

I'm sorry that you met me and that I dragged you into this.