barefoot & barely lifelike
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2023-03-15 02:03:44 (UTC)

better or worse?

soooo my throat and sinuses were definitely NOT fine when i woke up on monday around noon. oh no no no ... "my sweet, poor summer child", is what i would like to say to my earlier self. i've been -not to be dramatic, but- dying for a few days now. my throat is sore, hurts like hell - my nose is running (lmao the mental image of a nose participating in a race is hysterical every single time, i can't help it) and my whole head feels stuffy. my left ear is blocked and hurting, every single muscle in my body aches and i've lost my voice. how fun, right? sure is. but hey, about time that i got ill again - after all i did spend the entire february being completely fine! *gasp*, i know. that won't do. long gone are the days when i'd be sick once every year (sure it was always for 3-5 weeks, but still, it was only once a year) and that's it. nowadays it's once a month and that's the best my body can do, it seems. OH WELL at least the hypomania that i was pretty sure was going on is now gone... i think? shit, idk. i wish my mind was easier to deal with.

needless to say, i had to skip the 'lategame' (it's a gaming cafe) meetup on monday. it was the biggest FOMO i've felt in years! the rest of the gang meeting without me - even though i think it's nice to know the group dynamic works no matter who's there and who's not. and je told me it did; she also said that they missed me tho, so that was sweet. i think the only ones who haven't hung out one-on-one are ju and sa, and... me and je? i mean we sure have at the paja, and we've talked loads via DMs, but we have yet to meet up just the two of us. i think it might be a good thing though? i can't quite pinpoint the reason why, but she's the one i feel the least comfortable with. which is weird, as she was the first one i connected with, and the only one with whom the connection was pretty much instant. but she's also the one i know i have major differences with; we have a deal to not discuss certain things, and those things happen to be ones that are very important to me, so. i'm not always sure how to approach her. she can be a bit erratic at times too, and the things she says oftentimes sound somewhat condescending... plus i can't help but to think that perhaps she's a ... difficult person, as she has already cut ties with more than one person from paja. but! she's also been really nice and sweet to me, really encouraging and idk. she's an awful person in a similar way that i am. well, idk if it makes one an awful person if they need to rant about those they can't stand, in order to act casual around them and be able to stay polite and mellow, but that's what i'm like, a 100 %. and ju and sa are *actually* nice people, *actually* really sweet, and don't usually badmouth people, even if they deserve it. ok ju sometimes does, but only when the 'target' really rrreally deserves it. like her sister, my god the stories she's told me... i'd smack that b in an instant. ANYWAY it's still super wild to me that i suddenly have this group of four that i'm a part of, and that i hang out with like, in a weekly basis. and it just happened? it's exciting getting to know them more, little by little. ohh that reminds me, i have to reply to ju's messages! i love that she and i share the habit of loooong as paragraphs, lmao. i don't think i've ever met my match like i have with her. makes me feel so seen, and so safe. even with some of my closest friends i still feel the urge to apologise whenever i reply with a novella - i'm still constantly ashamed of my inability to express myself shortly. but whe's the same, and sometimes even 'worse' than me, so. it's just lovely. what's *not* lovely, however, is having to poop right after you've throughoutly cleaned your toilet.

so, the hypomania. recently i've thought about my list of diagnosis' a lot - how do i know for sure which ones are accurate? can i ever know for sure? the structural dissociation of the personality messes up quite a lot of shit, as does my insomnia; especially since it's been like 18 years since the last time i slept even somewhat normally (and even back then, who knows, really). how does one separate causes from consequences, who which ones are which, ooor draw lines *from* consequences *to* causes...? and know if they're the right lines? i don't understand, and it seems like neither does my neurodivergent brain. luckily i don't think it's all that meaninful after all; to see the causes befind the consequences, to know which caused what. there's a looong ass list of symptoms, occurring either in my daily life or every now and then, that one probs couldn't pick apart and analyze too much, even if they tried. either way, i've lately found myself questioning the negative bipolar dg i've 'gotten' twice. i mean i know hypomanias and manias can occur without bipo, and i know it might as well "just" be adhd - or that thing normal people experience, where sometimes life's better and sometimes it's worse, but i find the last one kinda hard to believe lmao. no but in all seriousness, even when i'm doing great, it's not normal for me to be okay with being social EVERY day for two weeks straight, without getting overwhelmed and/or exhausted. AND on top of being social as fuck i've also managed to keep up the tidiness of my apartment... i don't think i've ever gone this long without making a mess. ok i've made a few small messes, but i've cleaned them up right away - i've even done the dishes every time there's been any. ngl, it's freaking me out. like, who is this person? i don't know her? i'm not sleeping, i'm not eating. i'm just being social and cleaning. wow hey what a lame rap lyric, lollll. but yeah, it feels a bit manic. i also have a very, very strong urge to spend money, all. the. time. that'd be okay if i had any money, but i don't, and probably won't be getting any in a month, because kela is destined to find out about the money i received for my birthday... i hate money. i've said it before and i'll def say it again, i hate money. if i didn't have to stress over money, my life would be pretty much perfect. i'm not even exaggerating - i literally wouldn't even care about never sleeping etc. if it wasn't "the thing that keeps me from earning a living". whyyyy is life like thiiiis

ok back to the diagnosis problem. or maybe i'll write about it some other time, i feel like wrapping this up... i'm just gonna say this: i've been wondering whether or not mine are accurate, and whether or not it matters if they are or aren't. i mean i know all my symptoms, in theory i could be treated for those no matter what the "diagnostic truth" was - the thing is, i'm not, and in this country, i won't be. and the brain chemistry is so fascinating! and annoying, because different treatments work on similar symptoms, depending on what's causing said symptoms. bipolar, i understand, is one of those not-so-simply treatable ones, as is adhd. and having both... how does my brain work? i don't have a clue, and i'm not surprised that apparently, neither does anybody else.