I can't say it enough, how much I want to change the things I do. I can feel my reputation grilling me and I can sense the little weasel in me hiding. I won't be tricked by loves promise anymore. I dont belong here. Noone will actually love me. I think that's why I cling to my facade. I beg to be noticed any way I can get while keeping some sort of glorified reason to be. But the attention is evolving bad...i may have urged it due to a distrust in myself. (Utilized their weakness for gain) I'm going to spend the rest of my life on this stupid narrative and not even get what I set out for. Fucking phenomenal. Yay writing. Actually I'm sure it'll be a very dramatic and long drawn out self betrayal (my life) to welcome death with a doe in the headlights look like it was my lover there for me all along. Ffs. Just get it over with now.
I actually just hate men, you see. I hate them but my programming says no. And I know this because it's a well justified hatred. Though the spite turns sexy somehow, I constantly remind myself that it isnt because I like or want it. Sexualization counters psychological warfare and anxieties tend to fetishes. If not careful the two can get cross wired.
It is possible to be conscious of a poor conditioning, I assure you.
Anyway what I've been trying to say is that I don't get any pleasure out of men anymore (not sure i ever did via imagination). I wish to marry my diary instead. And I wanna make it a sure positive.
It's really kinda sad to know that my desperation all this time was just to make up for all my supposed inadequacy. Never actually stipulating or glorifying a supreme partner or romance... Too scared to rock the boat for my own needs. What kind of person would be committed to someone like that? I'm faulty. I feel like I'll always be this way too. Or atleast I'm stuck.
And if code is growing everywhere else than there I have to ask myself if master is just another virus... or worse... my own mad self. 👀*backing away slowly*