I’m going to go ahead and beat you to the punchline, I’m not a good person. I want to be, I make efforts to be, but I’m not. I don’t even feel like a real person.
I was unwanted by every adult who created, and raised me. I’ve never known existence without guilt. This guilt trained me to become a pleaser. The only way I could cope was to allow myself to be used as a tool to those burdened by my birth. At least then, I was good for something.
This is why I don’t feel like a real person. This is why I care so much about what other people think about me. This is why I’m constantly looking for validation, and approval. This is why I do what I can to be useful. I just do what I can to be liked. Everything that I am is performative. One of the only things that keeps me going is the emotional high I get from the attention I seek. I’m vain. I’m selfish. I’m weak.
I want to be known to be known as kind, interesting, or special. Sweet, caring and giving. I want to be seen as mysterious, different, and edgy. I want to be thought of as attractive, beautiful, and sexy.
I want to be wanted. I want to be the center of attention. I want to be someone who people look forward to seeing. I want people to miss me when I’m gone. I want people to love talking to me. I want people to be attracted to me. I want to turn heads when I enter the room. I want people to ask questions to ask questions about me. I want people to wish they were single so they could pursue me, I want people to regret not shooting their shot with me in the past. I want to be chased. I want people to beg for my touch, for my attention, to see my face and body.
I want to have special qualities that set me apart, I want to have amazing talents. I want to be in crowds regular people aren’t.
I fantasize while listening to music that it’s me singing, or the music video I create in my head is something that I made, and star in. I also imagine that it’s a live performance, and I’m the one who choreographed the entire thing. I imagine that I have a band, or several, or a performance group, and we’re all close friends, and It’s embarrassing to admit that I’ve even come up with an imaginary partner.. who is part of these groups.
I pretend that I’m an undercover boss at my job, and I have the power to fix all of the problems. I have pretend conversations and arguments.. I imagine having celebrity friends, because if Taylor Swift wants to be her friend, what’s that special about her? I imagine that I’m a model, and I go to the city on my days off to photo shoots.
Honestly admitting all of this makes me feel so crazy.. but I’m tired of holding it all up inside my head. These secrets are fun to have.. they’re fun to explore… but they keep me to high up in the clouds. They’re just defense mechanisms. They make real life so boring, and so disappointing. I have too big of dreams to be the no one that I actually am.
And of course, I have none of those talents. I can’t sing, I can’t dance, I’m not a model.. I have no idea how to choreograph or film anything.. I don’t even have friends… let alone celebrity ones. I’ve only recently started making friends at work, and it’s been a slow progress.
So the only thing I can really use to get those things that I said that I want, is my appearance. I love doing glam smokey eyeshadow looks, with big false eyelashes, and pinks and purples to make my green eyes pop. I love dark lipstick. I dress alternatively. I shop mostly at hot topic. I’m curvy, and I love clothes that show off my curves. I love mesh tops. I love showing cleavage. I’m growing my hair out long, and I’ve learned to care for it and style it better. I like chains, locks, and spiky accessories and jewelry. I’ve recently pierced my ears. I eventually want to get tattoos.
I love to get all dressed up, and make up done, my hair washed and done, all my shaving done, smelling good, and then go out. Go out to eat, and to walk around the shops. I love to go to my work like that so my coworkers and bosses see me. I love when certain people see me. I love taking videos, and selfies and positing them to my social media, and seeing who’s viewed my stories. I love getting the hearts, and compliments. I love seeing certain peoples names on the lists of viewers.
It’s a feeling that swells up in my chest.. and tingles all over my body. It’s warm, and I just want to feel it all the time.
There are periods of time where I don’t.. there are phases where I don’t think this way, and don’t do these things, and just rest. But then I’ll get the energy to do myself up one day, and the high that I get from it sweeps me up into it all over again.
But there’s so little time in the day, and my days off of work go by so quick. I’m not going to be young forever. That’s not to say mature bodies and faces aren’t beautiful, and sexy.. but I want to be that way at my age now too before I can’t anymore. There’s not enough room to fit much else in my life.. that’s sad isn’t it?
I consider myself to be pansexual. I’m attracted to people for their physical qualities, but what really grips me is their personalities. There’s just endless personalities that are attractive.. The most attractive thing to me is humor..
I can’t help it. I love older people, and I do like younger but they obviously have to also be adults. I do like older people more though. There’s a list of people in my life right now that I’m into.. and want them to want me too.. I think some do.. I plan to write more about that later..
I also have a lot of kinks, I bet you can guess what they are? Can you guess that I’m a sub? An Exhibitionist? That I love praise and validation? There’s more, but I’ll go into more details later.. I’ve never had luck in the kink community.. I also don’t have much experience in general. The most I’ve been able to do is vanilla, or vanilla with sprinkles. I’ve never even experienced penetration.. It’s something I’m pretty insecure about. I plan to write more about my kinks, and things later too..
Writing this all out, and reading it over makes me realize a lot of things. As a kid, I hardened and shut myself down to protect myself as much as I could from all the bad around me.. and it still impacted me so much.
Deep inside me there’s a little kid who just wants to be loved. A little kid who just wanted to grow up, and actually be a person.. and I just don’t know what to do for them. I don’t know how to heal them. I don’t know how else to make them feel wanted.. I wish I could just start over.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I wish I had just never been born.
I think this is all I can do for now..