Amber's ramblings
Ad 2:
2023-03-16 23:01:19 (UTC)


I don't know what to say anymore. Everything is black. It's getting harder to hold on and I'm slipping so far down there's no way I can pull myself out. I still don't want to be here. I still want to kill myself. I don't see the point anymore. I know what needs to be done. I really feel like I won't make it to the doctor next week. I'm still not really sleeping. Even the sleeping pills don't help. I found myself at 5.30 this morning going for a drive. I had to get out. Ended up at the hills. I was drawn there for some reason. It's my go to place. I tried to clear my head but it didn't help. I don't know how long I was there for but I didn't get home until around 7.30. And the hills aren't that far away.

I'm messaging him. He asked me how it was his fault. I've never said it was his fault. But he made the decision to walk away that was his choice not mine. He's blaming me but I'm not blaming him. He doesn't understand that. I do feel like it was my fault. He said he misses me. I told him I miss him too but it doesn't change anything. He still thinks we're going to meet again. He needs to understand that it's over. He made his choice when he walked away. There was a time when I would have taken him back in less than a heartbeat. But I've realised I don't deserve to be an option I deserve to be put first. Not that it matters anymore. Nothing does. I won't be here much longer. I have a plan.

I cooked for the parents today. It did look really nice. They said it was lovely. My best one so far. It was mum's birthday today that's why I cooked. I wanted to give her the night off. I forced myself to smile and bury the tears because I didn't want to worry her tonight. I think she knew though. She always knows.