Anjali

Anjali's diary
2023-03-15 13:43:14 (UTC)

I spent my whole childhood ..

I spent my whole childhood looking for quiet and drowning myself in the TV and video games. It makes sense that I didn't really allow my brain to form memories when I was barely "there.
Oh mannnn you just opened up another can of worms for me haha. I was extremely imaginative and truly believed in the magical worlds I had in my head, and would even act out scenes when I was alone. I'm sure that has something to do with memory. Our minds.
And living inside my own head. I, too had the exceptionally vivid imagination. It was so prevalent that I would disappear inside my own head at the least lull in whatever was going on around me. If I didn't absolutely have to pay attention, I didn't. I couldn't even fall asleep without playing out some elaborate scenario in my head. Usually involving whatever fictional character I happened to be obsessed with at the time. And even into adulthood, I'd disassociate like this all the time. Especially when I was stressed.
This is something I need to practice, I keep grasping at strings of memories to pull them closer while keeping myself cycled in this need to prove the abuse really was that traumatic.
When we are going through stress and trauma, our brains are in a state of hypervigilance from the pain/feelings of fear and insecurity and thus do not store memories correctly--instead of storing each part/feeling/sensation/conversation, our brains are only able to process and store pieces. Some of those pieces are visual memories and some are physical, or body memories. You know when you are in a situation and for some reason your body seizes up and all of a sudden you feel like a little kid again? That is a memory. Something about your current situation triggered your brain to remember something from your childhood; however, unlike other people, our brains aren't remembering the full memory, just how we felt or what we sensed.
Memories comes and goes, but every time it's a bad one I'm either "making them up for attention" or "exaggerating what really happened"
I agree- I think if the parent shows some kind of remorse and or willingness to change, that is what makes the difference (even though they don't have a right to expect their child to just let it all go.) But if the parent doesn't care or shows no remorse, then it's in vain, and trying to love someone who actively manipulates or abuses you is just hurting and disrespecting yourself.
I agree you should follow your heart and not have a relationship with them. I no longer have a relationship with my father because he also will not change. However, this post to me is about not feeling shame if you still have a love for your abusive parent. Of course, not everyone can relate. But for me I've had to hold conflicting feelings about my abusive and enabling parents. There's a part of me that still has love for them and other children of abusive parents can also relate to how confusing this can feel (not everyone relates to this though and that's ok too). It's a strange experience to feel a deep biological love towards a parent but also hate. And coming to terms with these emotions is part of healing for me.
I think I understand... I think part of me sometimes wants to love them... But I cannot. I feel sincerely for the awful things they themselves experienced but I know it doesn't excuse them from everything else
I see what you're saying, although I view this post in a different way. I don't view it as an approach to trauma, but just reassurance that feeling this confusing love for an abusive parent is understandable because it's a deeply ingrained biological adaptation and also when we were very young it's just what "love" may have looked like to us when we had little understanding . For me it is saying that it's perfectly okay to hold many conflicting feelings about abusive parents, and not to feel shame for that. I hate my dad for the abuse he inflicted on us, but there's still a part of me that remembers affection and good times from him. I remember saying I loved him as a child. While healing I've had a hard time feeling a sort of love for him but also acknowledging his abuse was wrong, and so was my mother for letting it go on. But having a love for your abuser who was a caregiver doesn't mean you have to forgive them, or excuse it, or have any relationship to them. I have cut off contact with my father for this reason.




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