Life of secrets
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I’ve been massively nostalgic over the last year. Sometimes it’s so strong, I’d do anything to go back.
This morning I woke up around 5:20am and tried to get back to sleep shortly after. I couldn’t. I closed my eyes and saw my home when I was 8 years old. It’s so clear in my head, I can still smell it. If I close my eyes, it’s like I am there again. I want that life back again. What I would do to go back to that time….
Nostalgia is evil because there’s nothing you can do. I can’t go back. And the memories are worse. It’s all still there, in my head. It’s early morning, mum and dad are still in bed. The house is quiet. Little brother in his cot. I’m awake, and I want to go downstairs to watch early morning cartoons. The alarm is set, I know I can’t go down there. I wait a little while longer until I know it’s ok to wake them. They are all still living that life, in my head. This morning I convinced myself that there is another dimension where they are all still there and THAT life is just on a loop. We are all happy.
I don’t know if this made it worse but while I was in Mexico, mum found some old VHS tapes of family videos and she got them converted - I now have them on my phone to watch. I have lost count how many times I’ve watched them. Over and over. Grandad is still alive in them. Everyone is younger. Everyone is healthy. And happy. And we are all together. What I would do to go back to that…. I would do anything.
I can’t bear the thought, knowing I can’t.
I know I started doing this - going back to it all in my head - for comfort. Anxiety and trauma led me here. I do it to feel safe again. I clearly don’t feel good with my life right now… and I dont know if I’ll ever feel that way.
I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel comfortable.
Life is so scary. No one ever prepares you for it.