The lonely codependent

Not the usual hookup story

Based on my previous experience and because I'd already met this guy before I knew this may not be another usual hookup story. Well, I ended up with more cuddling than ever so hopefully that will enough for my survival. Finally, this is one of the things I miss the most since I've been single.

OK, don't rush forward so fast, before all this happened I went to meet my old friends in a pub. There were many new faces there in fact but I'd rather stick with another guy I already knew and his friend whom I hadn't met before. They met another mutual friend though and there were other people too whom I already knew but sometimes people would engage in conversations and give me the feeling of being left out.

The feeling of being left out - that's exactly what ruined my whole childhood and youth and nowadays I've felt the same disconnection everywhere I go. That's definitely one of the worst feelings I can feel. So I thought to myself I need to concentrate and keep trying, but I can probably make progress only in very little baby steps, which is not fun. Basically I'm still struggling to get close to people and my fight to change that almost seems hopeless quite often.

Anyway I'm glad I took a trip to the city. I feel calm now. There are so many things I haven't written about yet, I know but I don't think that would be a good idea to do in public. What I can say is that I'm tired of living in my bubble and making experiences only on my own...

Wait, I forgot to mention that I took a train to get to the guy's and asked him to wait for me at the train station because there might be homeless people and other dangerous things there at night. He did but we couldn't find each other and his house turned out to be closer to the station than I expected. The apartment was in a block of flats and there were many blocks there. Places like this can also be dangerous at night because by this time normal people are inside their apartments and those who are outside may be homeless, drunk, or anything else. I was lucky because I met one normal guy on the way but there was basically nobody else outside in the whole residential area. That is very scary and basically it means that if any crazy person attacks you, nobody will call the police. That's exactly what my parents always warn me about that that's why they didn't want to to let me go out when I was younger and didn't have friends.

God couldn't prevent fiom these situations from happening (and I could too if I was happy with my life the way it is), but that's not the case as I sometimes do find myself in dangerous situations like this - because I'm alone. If someone was always next to me, there would be no problem. My phone was also dying when I needed it the most even though it was connected to a portable charger and he seemed to have no internet so I had no idea if he would come and if so, when. So I thought ok, I'm scared, but so far I've always found a way to solve the situation I'm in anyway. So however God wants me to solve it this time, I will and I wanted new experiences anyway. From now on I want to focus more on this, that I am somehow making new experiences in my life after all, which I've always wanted so much instead of identifying myself as a codependent person and nothing more or doing that based on my relationship status.

Thank God he finally came and I was not kidnapped or anything else my family is always afraid of.

I'm still in the city and someone just got sick, other people have already called an ambulance. The same happened in the mall where I was yesterday so wtf is going on in this world? In my town such things don't happen so often but it's true that there are much fewer people on the streets and in other public places.