the walk
2023-03-11 11:31:33 (UTC)


Master doesn't like me like that
Master doesn't care about me the way I'd need him to
Master isn't the one for me

Rationally I know
Rationally I'm not fit to be Master's little.
I want to be though... I like Master a lot.
Despite the lack of doing it. It's been over a year...
Last week Sunday Master asked me to leave early... I didn't like it. The meetup was different from what I had hoped it to be.
"Cuddles" were petting. Even though I asked beforehand. "Do I need to be pretty?"
No, just comfortable attire, nothing's gonna happen.
I hate stopping when I'm riled up... it gets me too emotional. Vulnerable. It then feels like rejection.
It was supposed to be a good day...

Ever since, Master didn't even ask how I'm doing
Ever since, Master didn't even text hello.
I didn't either.

The rejection is only in my head, but it feels real.
He's got so much to do, puts so much effort into his work, his friends, his private life, and eventually into me.
Me, suicidal, high functioning depression, unhealthy and mostly whining. I drain other people's energy.
I drain Master's energy as well.
I know.

It's the rational view.

But my perspective feels like,
I should feel guilty for asking
I should feel bad for using him as comfort character
I should feel like a whore for viewing him as a sexual opportunity
I am a bad person, I'm exploitative, I'm a leech, and he knows and puts up with it to the point where he can't take it anymore. I put myself in a victim perspective, and I view him as my personal saviour.

I think I like him. But honestly, I don't know the truth. I might as well be dependent and confuse like with need, demand and want.

All I think I can do for now is hold back to show him that I don't like, but indeed agree and respect his boundaries.
I don't ever want to breach them. Because I do respect him.

I still wish things were different...