Amber's ramblings
2023-03-10 22:16:31 (UTC)


He's been messaging me today. I don't know how I feel. Like I know it's over. It has to be. I don't know if I did the right thing. But it's done. I said we can't be together and he agreed but then said we can't at the moment. Like there's hope for us in the future. I told him I can't go through this pain again. My heart is still too fragile and vulnerable. I haven't built the wall back up yet.

Had a good evening with the parents. I genuinely love and care about them. And mum always gives the best hugs. When I'm crying they calm me down. They make me feel safe and secure. And she's a great listener. We talked last night and she listened to what I was saying. She gave me her advice and I actually listened for once. Normally I don't take it on bored. But this time I feel lost and will take her advice. I feel like she's the only one in my corner right now. I don't know where my friends are. I've tried reaching out to them and I'm getting nowhere. So what's the point? My bestie always said if I needed her she would be there. She drop what she was doing and be there. But when I needed her she isn't there. She's my oldest friend and we've been through so much together we've always been there to support each other. But where is she now? I honestly feel like there is only one person now who I can talk to. There's still something I want to tell her. I just need the courage. But it's part of me part of who I am. And she knows the bad parts of me. I'm sure this won't change anything. Even if I don't look good in the story. She will understand.

I had another flashback earlier. It was horrible. I was like maybe 5 and I was being accused of something I hadn't done. I kept denying it and it just got worse. Maybe that's something else I should be talking about. It's still affecting me now. So talking about it might help.

Nothing from the mental health team still. Been over a week now. And they're not going to call over the weekend. I actually can't wait any longer. I feel like doing something stupid but I don't even know what. Failing that I want to just get in my car and disappear to see if anyone noticed and how long it takes. I'm a loaner so it could take a while.

Anyway trying not to think at the moment. Because I will fall apart if I think too much. And I don't want to fall apart on my own because I won't be able to come out of it. I need someone to hold my hand and pull me through. That used to be him. He can't do that now. He triggered my depression this time there's no way he can help me out of it. There's only one person who can.

I was in a pretty good mood earlier. Why do I always get like this when there's no one around.

I'm going away in may. I need to sort someone to look after Penny for the weekend. May have to check out the local cattery. But there doesn't seem much point for 2 nights. She'll be ok I'm just worried about it getting too hot in here. I'm overthinking things again. I've got people I can ask. A few people I can ask.

I called the vet today and booked Bert an appointment. Totally forgot to get one for Penny. Have to do that when I take him in on Monday. I think she's ok her fur is growing back but she is now over grooming a bit. But she gets a check up every 6 months and it's due this month. She is a lot calmer now it's just her and me again. So I won't be adopting anymore cats because she obviously doesn't want me too. And I like that it's just her and me. And she's been so affectionate lately.