The lonely codependent

Too perfect to be true

Insomnia is killing me. I know I'm not gonna get much sleep tonight so I'm not happy about it. I wish I knew why I've had it recently because I didn't use to.

Maybe it's due to cognitive dissonance. I'm finally starting to see that I should believe I'm worthy even if my relationships don't reassure that. Everybody has kept telling me that for years but it's easier to say it than to do so. Why? Well, that's kinda obvious.

So, I could say I don't want a friends with benefits relationship, no matter what anyone promises. Congrats, that means I've made some improvement at last. But then what to do? I may still be tested and be made to wait years for the right person. If so, I'd rather have fun during this time as loneliness has been driving me crazy for years. So what's the point in making this decision? I definitely couldn't commit to it but I should commit to seeing myself from a different point of view at least even in this situation. I must stop doing things because 'I need to do it', or 'I have no other option'. The reason should be 'because I wanted to do it despite the disadvantages', and so on. That does not seem like a huge shift in my way of thinking but I'm finally starting to see what a healthy self-confidence should look like, even if I still seem to be quite far from it.

I have my needs too after all, especially the emotional ones that have never been satisfied. So I'm excited and can't wait to touch him everywhere... This feels soo good, I love you! - Wait, what? My fantasy has gone too far yet again! No night will be perfect unless I spend it with my soulmate - my codependent mind thinks but I can't see that happening yet, so yet again I need to use my skills that I've acquired to lower my expectations and face reality.

The feeling that the image of being in perfect love gives me is really amazing by the way but so is being high on drugs for some people and that's exactly what it feels like. It's just not real and it may cause you to feel much worse in the long-term. That's why I want to recover from my love-addiction, it's not much better than other ones from a mental point of view.

I also need to stop thinking so much about my 'drug' (thanks for the advice). The areas of my life other than dating are basically dead so if I could work on those somehow I could improve a lot. I just don't know how to start.

All I want now is... To get some more sleep. I think my mind is already tired enough.