Amber's ramblings
2023-03-09 20:46:02 (UTC)


He's not dead. He finally messaged me today. I told him we can't move on from this. And it's really over this time.

When I went to see mum this evening I was emotional she took my hand and let talk and I told her the truth about him. She let me cry and get it out just holding my hand tight until I finished talking. She is so supportive. I honestly am only holding on by a thread right now. So close to the edge. And the only thing stopping me from letting go is her. I refuse to do that to her no matter how bad I'm feeling at the minute. She told me I did the right thing. After his lies at the beginning and the lies that got us back together after I found out the truth about those lies. Before today I had a small sliver of hope that we could make it through this. But I know now in my heart and in my head which to be honest knew months ago and my heart is stupid. I will move on from this. I'm not going to end my life over . . . I don't even know what to call him. Player? Anyway I've finally realised I'm worth more than that. I may feel worthless all the time but that doesn't mean I am. And after everything I've been through don't I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. I know he said he did but it's hard to believe that after what happened. If he could walk away so easily and then blame me for it he can't have loved me that much. I was never a priority for him I was always the last thing on his mind. I know it hurts like hell now but I did the right thing. I think. Why am I doubting myself. Mum thinks I did the right thing. And I trust her of course I do. We never would have got over what happened. And he was playing with my emotions talking to me then ignoring me for a few days. I'm going to get over this and as soon as I am back on my feet there's someone I need to ask on a date.

I need a best friend date as well. I keep trying to arrange something but she's always busy. I know her job can be demanding but she's free in the evenings and at weekends. I'm starting to think she doesn't want to hang out with me at the moment. She has no idea what I'm going through. And it hurts that I can't talk to her. It's like she doesn't know like 90% of what I've gone through. And I can't tell her. She's my best friend and I can't tell her stuff. If I'm honest just thinking about talking to her about this stuff is setting off my anxiety. I don't know why I'm so scared.

Maybe I need a coffee with my sister. Although she's the one I was always closest to I don't talk to her either. She was there she saw what it was like for me growing up. But then she only saw what the others wanted her to see. I'm not going to talk to her about the past. But I feel like I need a catch up. But do I really? Am I just feeling lonely? I'll sleep on it see how I feel tomorrow.

Still not heard anything from the mental health team. It's getting ridiculous now. I'm so close to the edge and it feels like I've slipped through the net. I give up. If I had pills here right now I would take them. Good job I don't have them