The lonely codependent

My life in pieces

Today I'm at home - and yet again I can't sleep. So I don't need to step out of my comfort zone too much. This is not really me as there's no excitement for me in this at all.

Tomorrow night I'll go out and behave in a crazier way than anyone would ever think I would. I feel like that's not me either. I've don't this before and lied about it and it's not a pleasant feeling. I'm still not sure if I'm strong enough to say no though.

So, in one moment I'm in one place and in the next moment I'm in another but there seems to be no connection. I mean my life does not seem like a whole because of the inconsistency in my relationships and experiences.

I keep asking God why, it should be so simple. If I had a boyfriend I wouldn't need to lie and I'd be able to make more meaningful memories or maybe even find myself. If he does not want that, I'll try to accept his decision but I want to know why. Nothing else, I just want him to give me a reason so that's what I've been praying for recently. This also means that I'm not so optimistic anymore. One of my previous relationships started as an ons because I didn't believe in it at all and if I I ever have a next one, the same scenario is likely because I feel like letting go of hope again.