Amber's ramblings
2023-03-08 20:48:41 (UTC)

08/03 PM

I had a really fun night with the parents. I'm still laughing at the story they told me. I wish I could put it on here but I really can't. I love them. I was on the edge when I went over there. I could have gone either way. It was like they grabbed my hands and pulled me back from the edge. I told my niece the story and she was laughing too. Really wish I could tell you lol.

Not heard anything from the mental health team yet. I called my doctor for an update and was told to wait. I'm on the verge of killing myself and they don't give a shit. The only reason I'm still breathing is because I won't put the parents through it. Mum told me she's only just found me and she doesn't want to lose me now. I won't put them through it. I have to get better. I have to get on the right medication. I can't keep going over there crying. They will get pissed off in the end. But they're the only people I feel like I be honest with about how I'm feeling. I don't want to hide my feelings from them. And I can't because they see it. I can pretend around everyone else and they believe it. If I do it with them they see right through it. So I can't hide anything from them. For the first time in my life I have people who love me and don't expect anything from me. I'd do anything for them. I know they love me as parents. And I've never felt that before. My real parents didn't want me. All my life I was told I was a mistake. My real mother told me she wanted to abort me. What a lovely thing to say to a daughter. I grew up believing I was worthless. I still do. The problem is because I feel so worthless I'd do anything for anyone and some people take advantage of that. I've been used and I never learn. I let people use me because when I'm helping people I think maybe I'm not worthless. I need to learn not to be so available. I need to learn that not everyone deserves to be in my life. And very few should have my loyalty and my willingness to help. I need to be tougher. One step at a time and first I need to get my medication right. Get my head back to where it should be. I love the highs. I hate the lows.

Not heard anything from him either. He could be dead for all I know. And if he did die I'd never know. That's the problem of secret relationships. If anything happens I'd never know. I'm slowly getting over him. It's been a month and he crosses my mind from time to time. But he's not on it all the time like he used to be. I don't think I even miss him anymore. In a long distance relationship you feel alone all the time anyway. But we talked all the time. Or at least we used to. At the beginning but for the last few months he's been a bit distant. We've argued a bit and things just didn't feel right. It makes me wonder if the message was real or was he making it up to have a reason to end things. I don't get it. How can he say one that he loves me and would never leave and the next day just leave. I don't understand. What did I do wrong? Why am I so unloveable? It's shit like this that makes me question my existence. Why am I still here? Why do I continue to live this life.

I need to stop thinking like that. Yes my life is pointless but I have friends here. I have people who support me. I have to remember them. If I did anything stupid they would be so disappointed. I'd hate that.