just venting my depression and problems
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2023-03-07 19:58:34 (UTC)

08 - 03

i wish i had someone to talk to
i really wish
even by text at this point.
i just want some attention i guess.
im getting really like.
im starting to like "her"
i should give her a name instead of calling her.
lets call her.
actually i have no idea for a name
lets just call her Amelia, its not her real name but like yea fuck that

i had to do a small project with her today...
she really seems to dislike me
everytime we talk.
its always really akward.
but yesterday
she looked in my eyes and smiled
that really made my day
during the project
when we had to present it
i cursed
its my way to relieve stress
ive been sooo so so so stressed lately
and people keep making fun of me cuz im cursing during presentations
fuck off
what do you want me to do
start slamming the desk
like ffs
i am always so so so so so stressed

anyhow about Amelia.
she used to talk more to me
ask me questions every now and then
but maybe since i answered weirdly she dislikes me now?
i wish i could talk to her more
i mean i could
i have her Instagram
but ehh
its weird to just like
start talking
for no reason
seems weird
she doesnt seem like she likes me so.

ive been thinking more about the coding project [see last log]
and ehh
i mean
im not into the learning phase yet
but im starting to see the basics
rn im mostly reading/watching stuff about indie games
what software i should use n shit.
is pretty interesting
i also learnt (spelled like this right?)

crows are as smart as 7yo humans
at least for puzzle solving and like other stuff
theyre really smart
im not gonna go too much in detail but its pretty cool
i recommend doing some research about it

I really want to start working on my body
but i just cant like
i just dont feel like it
i dont have the motivation
ive been all alone
listening to music
this whole afternoon
this whole ass afternoon

i also want to pick up rock/wall climbing
but not the high walls
only the small ones
Bouldering or whatever

ive been tired as shit
i just realized i got a test tomorrow
and i should be streaming
idk tho
should i?

eh ill try
im not feeling well tho
i havent in a long time

i want to die
n sleep
i want to sleep n never wake up
i want to kill myself
i really want to beat the absolute crap out of someone too
im racking up so much stress cuz of school
idk why
but all of a sudden
since like
ive been super stressed for no reason

appart from that
my weekend was pretty cool
i got to see my cousins
and i got like small ones
1-5 years old
theyre pretty funny, n cute
annoying and loud.
but still nice to see them once in a while
my older cousin was there
he's 20
he's my best friend's older brother
my best friend is my cousin too
but he didnt come
he lives in cambodia with his parents
so only his older bro (who lives in belgium) and his mom came
oh yea
i didnt say it yet
why we were all there
its cuz it was my grandparents's 50 year marriage anniversary
we did cool things
there was even a pool

i just realized that I had a math test tomorrow and that i have to study a bit
so ill go do that
i really hope i can like
not forget this
because i keep procrastinating this
proof? i havent written in almost 2 weeks
i keep forgetin

im gonna go
have a nice day :D

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