rotten

22:22

i've been doing okay, and that feels super weird. i'm trying to not give in to the expectations of shit hitting the fan soon, as feeling okay always feels like calm before the storm - i'm trying to tell myself it might last for a while now, and even if it doesn't, that doesn't mean life'll turn to *complete* shit. it might only get a little bit tougher; the regular amount, the amount that's just a part of life, any life. the tricky thing is trying to figure out whether i'm going through the regular ups and downs of life, or whether i'm hypomanic or the life-threating kinda depressed. sometimes it feels like there's no knowing, i honestly don't know if i can tell those apart. i've been questioning my diagnosis' (again) lately... i know pretty much all the professionals i've met have thought about me being bipolar, but i never got the diagnosis - not even when i had that one preeeetty hardcore manic episode. i think i might bring this up with my neuropsychiatrist on the 20th when i have my next appointment, but we'll see. i'm not sure that's a diagnosis i particularly want... it's one of those that makes getting help for anything else a lot harder. but i mean, i might need different treatment that i'm currently getting? different meds, etc. i don't know. damn i wish there was a manual to life lmao

anyway, i truly have been doing okay lately. ever since i got most of the cleaning done, actually. it's wild how big of an impact a clean(er) home can have on one's life, and especially headspace. i had laid the groundwork by being very conscious of my thinking - y'know, the whole switching from 'damn i should' to 'i really want to'. i spent *months* deliberately going "hmmm i really want to tidy up the place, i'd really like to have a cleaner home, damn i would like to put those clothes away, oh i really want to do the dishes" etc., and also "well, i really want to, so i will. the day will come. one day i'll clean. that day will arrive, sooner or later". and i feel like it really paid off in the end; idk if i already wrote about this, but allowing myself to 'follow the dopamine' (so for example rearranging the furniture or going through my makeup drawers before doing the dishes, clearing out the kitchen table etc. - doing 'less important' / less visible things before the 'more important' / more visible ones, and for no other reasons than "i felt like it") i think made a huge difference. and the fact that i didn't feel like i absolutely HAD to do anything; i could've let sai in even if it was still super messy in here, i could've invited the yatzy weeners and just told them my home is a depression cave atm. i did the things i intuitively felt like doing, in the order they happened to ..well, happen, lol, and i allowed myself breaks. even the breaks didn't turn into forever ones because i genuinely wanted to clean and i had assured myself of that, so i took the breaks to prevent things getting too overwhelming. i also did not force myself to get *everything* done - i went to bed the minute i felt like it. i left the dishes, the clothes and the boxes on my entryway's floor. sai didn't mind any of them, and because i didn't hate the cleaning process and allowed myself to quit when i felt like it, i managed to continue on another day! idk if that's ever happened before, not so soon anyway. before ju's visit i did the dishes, vacuumed and put away more than half of the clothes, and before the weener monday (lmao) i did the dishes AGAIN (friday's ones from when me & ju had coffee *and* saturday's, when me and mi made dinner and had 'fika'), vacuumed AGAIN and put away the rest of the clothes. i know, who even am i? i have no idea. apparently inviting people over is the secret to a clean home and a better headspace. i've been doing the dishes whenever there is any, done a few loads of laundry, been vacuuming regularly - i should do that again though, as w is shedding so it's a nightmare 24/7 - and i've kept the bathroom clean and my cosmetics in order. i still need to go through my entire wardrobe and put away at least half of it, and i still need to go through the boxes waiting to be carried downstairs, but i'm not worried. i'm sure i'll do both, any day now.

so yeah - a clean home makes a happy heart. w's also getting cuter every day, that helps too, and i'm still experiencing the high of having found new friends. i've been hella social lately, it's a miracle i'm not completely exhausted. actually it's one of the reasons why i'm wondering if i might be hypomanic... i haven't had this kind of social capacity in years. let's revise the past few weeks, shall we? after hanging out at the paja every day it was possible, i went to the we are all doomed -tour, had a few days of migraine and the tuesday after that was the shit show conversation, and since then i've spent my days: at the paja, at the paja, pppt & museums & coffee shop, at n & m's and cleaning, with sai. can't remember what i did on 27th, but then: paja, paja & la's visit, pppt & paja & the postcrossing group (more on that later?), with ju, with mi, sleeping through the day, with the girls, paja and fika & dinner with mi. PHEW? i've also talked on the phone with my dad, with my girl ma, and exchanged a bunch of messages with several people, and uhhh. next up... tomorrow: paja & my mum, thursday: concert with ma, friday: dying @ my parents' lmao. saturday: saa comes for a visit (exciting! it's been over a year again...), sunday: going to n's. monday: meeting with the weeners? dunno. and then starts another paja week, when i have the postcrossing group again - oh yeah, i started a postcrossing group at the paja. only two times in this period, but we'll see; at least three people got excited about it and have made accounts, so. perhaps we'll keep going. just gotta find another time for it, i wanted to kill everybody last thursday when the band group gathered at the same time and was all we could hear in the 'forest room'... everything went really nicely until the band started though!

okay, i should probably get going. i think i'll refill my meds and maaaybe take a shower before bed. reply to e, and t, and ju, and jo? and a. perhaps listen to a bit of antti holma's podcast, now that a made a podme account and shared it with me hehehe. ohhhhh there are so many episodes i haven't listened to yet!! dang, life is gooood. for once.
i hope it'll stay that way for a little while now.