Amber's ramblings
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2023-03-07 03:46:20 (UTC)

07/03 AM

It's stupid o'clock in the morning 3.47 as I start to write this. Why am I having so much trouble sleeping. I don't understand. Why do I have to have insomnia alongside everything else.

I've been thinking about past relationships. I've always gone for older men and they have always been dominant. I'm talking Christian grey dominant not domineering or controlling. Anyway it hasn't worked out too well in the past. Maybe it is time for a change. He's still on my mind a bit but he doesn't have my heart anymore. He broke it into a million pieces. But he obviously didn't deserve it. So now I need to save it for someone really special.

I'm actually surprised at how fast I'm moving on. Considering he was my everything I thought it would take longer. He's like a drug I need a rehab to get him out my system. In quiet moments I'll think about something we did. Either good or bad I still loved him. And I honestly thought he loved me. But I never was a priority in his life. They say love is blind. And it true. I was blinded by my love for him I didn't see how he was treating me. But he was the only person who understood me. I'm moving on. I don't need him in my life now. There will always be a place in my heart for him but we will never be together. Even if he said the words I want to hear and he begged me to go back. I'm not doing it this time. I'm better than that. And I deserve so much more than what I got from him. All I wanted was his time and attention. Was I really asking for too much? Nothing else mattered. As long as I was in his arms I didn't care about anything else. But I'm stronger now. So why is my depression still kicking my arse. It sucks. During the day I'm ok. Because I know if I needed someone I have people around me I can go to. But it's these long nights when I can't sleep that kill me. I don't want to live like this anymore. What's a painless way to commit suicide.