barefoot & barely lifelike
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2023-03-06 23:39:17 (UTC)

to be continued...

okay, it's been quite a while again - and i've felt that. whenever i keep writing regularly, my head feels clearer, and whenever i don't... well. let's just say it's been a bit foggy. disorganized. then again i've also had some really clear, good days in between now and my last entry, so. idk.

a lot has happened. the last time i wrote was after sai's visit, the sunday a bit more than a week ago. i think i mentioned the paja drama - that situation hasn't really developed into anything. idk what to think of it; i should probably talk to s about it this week, but again, IDK. i'm trying to go in tomorrow, to the silent reading group (i've already renewed my library loans like five times, i really gotta read the books if i wish to do that before i gotta return them lmao) and perhaps some yatzy with sa. ohh, the girls visited me today! the yatzy 'weeners', lol, all three of them. sa arrived first and w took an instant liking to her, just like she did with ju on friday (more about that later). ju was the second one here, and after a while je came too. we had coffee and mudcake (the gluten free mudcake and rice based vanilla ice cream were the only things i could think of that everyone could eat, je has a TON of restrictions... but i was pretty proud of myself on my midnight trip to prisma), played some yatzy, skipbo and a new card game ju had, 'sushi go' - it was darn cute, and really fun too. we also just chatted through the night, and when w had to pee the girls thought they'd grab the next bus. we missed it by a minute, and decided to walk to see ju's old home and grab the nexr one... but we ended up missing that one too lol, so we all just walked back to mine, warmed up the car and i drove all of them home. it was around 2 when sa came, and around 8:30 when i took them home, so. we had a good time! and they all loved w, which isn't exactly surprising, but always warms my heart and makes me ridiculously proud. the surprising part tho, was that w seemed to really like them too! w. my dog. taking an instant liking to people. wth? but yup, she did. ju was a hit on friday, and now sa and je were ones as well. w clearly has good taste.

it's really weird to have found new friends. at this age! and so easily? it kinda just... happened. i know it's kinda weird to have a favorite but i must admit ju is my fave. it's just that i've never met anyone who matched my energy so perfectly before! and the experience is mutual; she said she constantly feels like she's being pranked lol. we're both introverted as hell but also talk A LOT. a lot a lot... i've never met anyone who talks exactly the same amount as i do. we're eerily similar in that regard. it's difficult to even explain, but it's magical. we're a perfect match. the same, but different enough too, i guess, since we don't find each other irritating at all. i really am not irritated by her, not even the slightest amount. it seems the feedback we've gotten throughout our entire lives has been the same, so our insecurities are the same, so we get each other 100%. again, idk how to explain it. it just works. i don't feel like i need to apologize for being who i am when i'm with her, the urge just isn't there - which is weird, because usually it's *always* present. i always, always always always feel like i talk too much, listen too little, derail from the subject... tell all these weird little anecdotes nobody really cares about, only because i can't stop myself when a word here or another one there reminds me of a story. but she's the same way, in the best possible way. our conversations are like rapid fire, and it makes my brain so damn happy! on friday i picked her up around 2 and we took quite a long walk with w, and then came back to my place for coffee and cinnamon rolls. she told me to kick her out whenever i wanted some peace but i told her that wasn't gonna happen any time soon, and well... we ended up just picking up some sushi at some point and going on and on and on about all the things we have in common and don't yet know about each other. i think it was like 10 o'clock when i finally took her home, and dang i felt all warm and soft afterwards. i know this is mushy, but i truly feel like the connection we have is really special - i don't think i've ever felt as comfortable as quickly, with anyone. ever. i mean i have friends i've known for years and i'm still reserved as fuck around them, but with ju i just feel completely at ease. it's super weird to feel so certain about it being okay to be myself. thankfully she feels the same way, so we already decided we we're going to keep hanging out one-on-one as well as in the group, with all the weeners (lol).

my girl la also visited me the other night - can't remember when it was, thursday maybe? it was actually a pleasant visit. they were on a one week communication break / vacay with p, so she didn't spend the entire time on her phone, and! we discussed my dilemma too, not just hers/theirs like we usually do. their situation's gotten more and more f'd, and p had messaged me about it on friday too without me having noticed, --
ohh, damn. i'm actually tired, so i'm gonna try and get some sleep. to be continued!
(it's the next day but i'm just gonna add to this one)
-- asking me to tell him what he should do, "since you know so much about our situation". i told him i have no clue, and just stated that it sounds like everything's fucking difficult and horrible for both of them, and also noted that i don't really know what's going on inside his head, because we haven't actually talked about any of it, i've just talked to la. his replies have been kinda short and not that informative, so idk what to say. i think it would be more beneficial for us to meet up or talk on the phone or something - i might suggest those. if i feel like i have the energy after i'm done with this week... it's gonna be a rather busy one. and i think having a longer, actual talk with p is gonna require quite a lot; i'm gonna need to tell him i despise a lot of the things he's done and how he's behaved, and i have no idea how he's gonna react. he usually takes things from me rather well, because i get him in ways most people don't - the darkness of our 'inner worlds' is somehow similar. i *feel* his cynicism, i have experienced the hatred he feels towards vulnerability, i know what it's like when shame is the only thing you see in the core of who and what you are, and i also know what it's like when hiding that shame becomes your only mission in life, without feeling like you have any say in it. we are similar in many ways, our similarities just manifest differently. i would never do the things he's done - to others. i've always been the type to turn shit inwards, to turn myself against myself... either way. i think i'll have a talk with him once i have the capacity to do so, if he's up for it.

ok i'll make another entry on the rest, i'm done with this one lol