AmberG

06/03

Still not heard anything from the mental health team. I was sure they would call today. Maybe tomorrow.

I slept ok last night but I'm still really tired. Which makes me believe that it's not a physical tiredness.

I've been ok most of the day. Just a few quiet moments when I was thinking. I'm trying to be ok but it's not that simple. I wish it was.

I don't want to talk about him but I have to. He hasn't messaged me since Saturday. He hasn't even been on line. I don't know if he's ok. And I'm starting not to care. He'll message me again in a few days with some excuse that I don't want to hear. I'm done. I'm moving on. So I'm single again but not on the market. I think I might die an old spinster being eaten by my cat.

So I had to sort my meds out earlier. Sorting them out for the month. Mum said she was there when I was ready to talk. She knew I wasn't ready now but I will be. I will open up to her I just need to find the right time and the right way. But I have to be strong. I don't want to brake down again. I know she will understand and won't make a big deal about it. I'm just overthinking it. I know it won't change anything. She'll still love me I hope.

I was messaging Leanne earlier. She made me realise it could work with the person I've been thinking about. I'm going to leave it for now because I'm not ready to jump into another relationship. But if they don't make a move maybe I will. She said don't let the mental health issues hold me back. I think she's right. I can't be scared of getting my heart broken again. I've already told them so much about me. And I know a lot about them. I think I have a plan. Which I will put into action soon. Watch this space.

Could it work? I'm scared. Not of getting hurt by them but of what certain people would think. It's not that I care what people think because I honestly don't give a shit. But there are certain people I care too much about to ignore their opinion. I need a catch up with my bestie. But she's so busy. I've tried so many times in the last few weeks. I've seriously needed her. Just another example of people saying they were there for me and then not being there. I know she would be mad at me for giving him another chance. She didn't like him and told me he was no good for me. I should have listened. Why do I never listen to advice. It's something I need to start doing.

For now I will wipe away these tears that keep coming. Most of the night I've been emotional and I don't know why. I wasn't thinking about him. I wasn't really thinking much at all. But then writing this has got me conflicted. I'm crying because I feel so alone right now. But I know there are people on this site that I can turn to. It doesn't help that it's gone midnight and everyone I know in the world is asleep. These are the hard times. I can do anything during the day. It's at night I can't cope. I've never been bothered by it before. Why do I suddenly feel so lonely?

The power has gone out again. I should go to bed but I don't feel sleepy. Which is another reason I don't think my tiredness is physical. I'm overthinking things again. Every night this happens. Can't I just get one night off. Is that too much to ask for. Just one night where it's silent no voices. No noise. No thoughts going around at a million miles a second. I just want calm. Just one night will do. He was my calm. I think that's why the voices are so loud right now. I really need a review of my medication. I feel like I'm loosing it. I'm going out of my mind and I just don't want to feel like this anymore. Sleeping pills aren't helping. The voices are constant. I'm drained physically mentally. I can't cope with this anymore. I want a way out. I don't want this life.