Amber's ramblings
2023-03-05 19:37:02 (UTC)

05/03 PM

This day is really dragging. It's too early to go to bed. If I sleep now I'll be awake by 11 and won't be able to get back. But another 3 hours and I will be popping these sleeping pills and having an early night.

I saw a certain someone today. Looking cute. Urgh it's great that I'm getting over him but I'm not ready to get under someone else right now. Had to talk to my niece about it. She said to wait and see if anything develops in the future. I honestly don't know if it would happen or if it should. I actually think they would never hurt me. And I would never hurt them. I'm not going to act on these feelings. Not yet anyway. I still feel raw from him and I don't want another relationship right now. And I have to be realistic if something did happen and it didn't work it would make things awkward.

The parents knew I wasn't right tonight. I tried to be strong and hide but I did cry. I'm so tired of holding it all together. Of being strong and not letting people see how I really feel. When I go there it feels like a safe place and I'm relaxed enough to let my guard down. I try not to show how I feel but I can't always. Mum is so kind and understanding and if I want to talk she listens. If I want to sit in silence that's fine too. There is something I've been trying to talk about. I just don't know how. It's not the kind of thing I can casually bring up in conversation.

I'm hoping to get a call from the mental health team tomorrow. I can't take the sleepless nights anymore and I can't stand the lows. The highs are great but the lows are crap.