Amber's ramblings
2023-03-05 07:25:08 (UTC)

05/03 AM

Well that was another sleepless night. I even took sleeping pills and I still couldn't sleep. I don't even know why. Insomnia really kicking my arse at the minute. Normally when I'm this depressed I sleep a lot. Why is this time so different? I mean I've always had problems sleeping. But never this bad. There was this one time I didn't sleep for about 8 days. That was when my biological father died.

But it was him that triggered me this time. He did this and blamed me for it. I need to sleep. He's got a lot to answer for. I'm doubting it even happened the way he said. I don't believe him. I think he was looking for any excuse to walk away. I gave him plenty of chances and he always said he would never walk away. He would never brake my heat. And I was stupid to believe him. I let him bring down my walls because I trusted him. I trusted his words but I didn't notice his actions. I was blind because I love him so much. He was my everything and I can't believe he's done this. But at the same time I'm not surprised. Everyone leaves eventually. I should be used to it by now. This would be so much easier if I hated him. But I can't hate him my heart won't let me. We were so good together he was perfect. I'm not saying he didn't have flaws but I loved him the way he was. I never would have changed him for the world. Even after everything he's put me through. Not just now but in the 3 years we were together he put me through a lot. And I always forgave him. We always managed to work through our problems. We were solid. That's why it's so hard now. It happened so suddenly. One minute he was there and I was his world. Then in the blink of an eye he was gone. Just left me alone and broken to deal with the fallout of him walking away. I can't stop crying. How long is this feeling going to last? I know people say give it time. But it's been almost a month now how much time do I need to give it. I bet he's not having problems sleeping. I bet he's not having to find a shoulder to cry on. Of course he isn't. It was his decision. I didn't want him to leave. I knew he wouldn't commit yet but I thought he would one day. He always said we'd get married one day. And I didn't understand his reasons for not wanting me now.

It's the early hours of the morning when I do most of my overthinking and contemplating my life. If I died tomorrow would I go to the other side happy knowing I made a difference in someone's life. No. My life has been pretty pointless and it's not going anywhere.

Anyway. Moving on. There's this person I know and I've known them for a while. They are amazing. kind. Generous. Caring. Almost perfect. But this person is younger than me and I only date older people. Maybe it's time for a change. I could easily develop feelings for them. Is it too soon though? I don't want it to be weird. Is this how I get over him? I'm not gonna make the first move. But I am interested to see if anything happens. And it's not the landlord. Talked about him in last night's entry. But this is someone else. Someone closer to me. I don't want feelings for this person. I've never seen them like that before. But if they're interested ...... I don't know. I'm not over him yet and I don't to go rushing into something else. And I don't even know if they are available. It's kind of complicated. But they are so nice and so sweet. And would never hurt anyone. I have to stop thinking about them it's not going to do me any good. Not now and maybe not ever. I have to be realistic.