The lonely codependent

Not sure if this is what I want

It seems I'll visit the guy I was talking about in the near future.

Yet again risking my health, telling lies about where I'm going, not getting respect the way I want, the usual things.

Is this really what I want? Not quite.
Do I have any other option if I don't want to feel like a spinster? No because I'm still not able to break the ice and make meaningful relationships with people. I may never be.

So, what to do then? I feel guilty for doing this because I know what will happen in the end. It's always the same so I can't deny that I'm aware of the consequences of my actions. On the other hand feeling stuck and helpless is also a very bad feeling so neither of my two options seems to be a good decision.

There should be a cheat code in this game because if I keep running in the same circles I'll never make progress, regardless of which of these 2 viciousnes circles we're talking about.