Amber's ramblings
2023-03-04 22:18:11 (UTC)


I don't know what to say anymore. He's ignoring me. He needs to make up his mind. If he wants to be in my life he can't keep ignoring me. I don't want a part time friend. Popping in every few days to see if I have blocked him yet. I'm not going to block him. I just wish he would either be there all the time or not at all. I'm going dizzy with his constant turn arounds. I'm not in a good place as it is and he's confusing me. He knows how much I love him. I can't just stop I wish I could. I wish there was a pill I could take to remove my feelings for him.

Had a good evening with the parents again. My place always feels colder and empty when I get back. I hate coming home sometimes. I never used to be like this. I've always been happy in my own company. But lately I feel so lonely. A few times a week I take my other neighbour out shopping. We live in a rural area and he can't drive. So I take him shopping. He annoys me sometimes but he's ok. Anyway he's more of a hermit than I am. Even he doesn't want to spend time with me. I don't blame people. I'm too tired to try to hide my feelings. So it's best to just stay away from everyone. Sometimes I don't want to collect my medication because I feel like shit and I don't want to bother them. But if I don't take it I feel it the next day. It's hard to explain but if I don't take it I feel weird. Shaky and the voices so loud. I mean they're loud at the moment anyway. It's because I'm trying to ignore them and get help.

I heard the landlord is coming up for a visit at the end of the month. I'll have to go out that day. Nothing dodgy but I think he's cute and I don't want him to be my next mistake lol.

There is a phrase used by people with EUPD and that is 'favourite person' no prizes for guessing who mine was. He's not anymore. I have a new FP. Hopefully this is the first step to moving on and healing from him.

I saw someone in a different light tonight. And I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I'll keep you updated.

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