Amber's ramblings
2023-03-03 01:07:29 (UTC)

02/03 PM

I feel like I have a beacon over my head. A flashing neon sign saying I'm vulnerable come and mess with me. I don't know. Got a message tonight out the blue from a guy I dated 3 times a million years ago. Ok slight exaggeration it was back in around 2015. Anyway a long time ago. I've moved house twice since I last saw him. I moved countries. He messages me from time to time. Talking about wanting me. I don't know how many times I told I'm not interested in anyone I'm going through a brake up and I'm not interested in a long distance relationship. They don't work. As I just found out with him. He messaged me again this morning. Said he'll leave me alone if that's what it will take. I said it doesn't matter anymore. Talk to me or don't I can't get you out my head.

So we went to the doctor today. She's going to get the mental health team to get back to me. I think I might know what the problem is. I've been on my current medication for 12 years this summer. I don't think it's working as well as it was. And it's not something my GP can deal with. It's down to the mental health team to discuss it.

We sat in the car after the appointment. I was feeling pretty low at that point. Trying so hard not to cry. But not able to drive until I was calmer. Mum held me until for a while. Not sure how long we sat there for. But it was so peaceful I could have sat there all night. She didn't rush me she just sat with me until I was feeling better. I have to go back in 3 weeks so she can see how I'm getting on. I hid under my hood the whole time. I answered the questions as best as I could.

When I went to collect my meds this evening I had to fight so hard not to keep my hood up. I don't need it up when I'm there. I don't know why my anxiety makes me want to hide from them. I think it's because I'm waiting for the negative comments or derogatory comments. I'm waiting for them to put me down and make me feel like shit. My biological parents did it all the time. That's why I never show emotions but I know they would never do that. But I'm still scared of it. The hurtful words the criticism. Telling me how worthless I am. I know they wouldn't ever make me feel that bad. Not even slightly. So I try not to hide when I'm with them. But I'm still faking smiles. I don't want them to worry. I really will be ok. I just need time