Whatever

Insatiable?
2023-03-02 23:25:10 (UTC)

Stabilizer Dude & I

So I had a long emotional convo today with Stabilizer dude over last night and the chat earlier in the wk where he said his wife came in and spoke to him but he was processing it, I asked about it but gave him his space. He never told me what happened, he just left one eve and was gone for hours.

I wanted to know what happened.

ANd then the chat last night went from Spiritual hell talk, to him talking about me and flirty kissing comments of wanting to kiss me. Told him I was emotionally invested in the spiritual convo, then he said he was tired but then switched gears to flirting and It was just an intense convo for me... and well he said today, it was just him talking, not serious like he was agonizing over it, more matter of fact (stuff you loose chatting online) and then he said he felt bad this am about how he was being flirty with me and over the line. We went into more detail about it, I point blank asked him if he still thinks of us and getting together. He said "No you have been perfectly clear with me, I have let that go, do you know that?" I said "No" and he said "Listen, Im a touchy feely person, I always have been, its not sex, its how I am" and I do recall that when we first started chatting he told me hes a hugger but he gets to do it rarely as you can come off creepy or inappropriate and its not as accepted for me to be touchy feely. So that is true, he told me that from the start.

I said "Well what if I said tomm lets meet?" he replied "Well we would have to have a long talk, because that would mean something was terribly wrong for you to make that kind of change"

Then I got the talk he had with his wife, she came in and basically told him that she didnt feel he cared about her nor wanted to spend time with her. He said "She isnt wrong" and discussed and went in circles and she is respectful of his alone time and need to process thoughts, but they agreed to spend time together in the early eves. We discussed why we get along so well, he said hes not looking forward to spending time with her, hes very honest, but he said "its worth a shot" and he said how hes just not so sure who he really is and what he believes anymore and that discussing this stuff with her means war. I said "Well lets say you start being who you want to be deep inside, the person you have hidden and tell her what your telling me? Is she willing to go along for the ride with you?" He said "Well she has this far?" and I said "Are you?" He said "Its worth a shot"

We discussed what we get from one another and how good we feel having one another to talk to. He said again Your my best friend and I love you. ANd I dont want to do anything to hurt you and Im sorry about that convo last night.

Hot Missionary had asked me night before if I was "All In" in my marriage. And that was a hard question, and I put it to Stabilizer dude also. I answered Hot Missionary honestly and said No, and that I have never been, its like I have a foot out the door, maybe a small crack, but its been there since the start, Because of the fear of being hurt. Because Ive been hurt a lot. But he has been doing really well. But that all of the growth in our marriage Id say majority is because of me. Me reading, me learning, me changing myself, me figuring out his disability, so many things along the way, how if I hadnt done those things, I dont think we would be together today. I have fought hard to understand my spouse and love him and the sex life improving, I pushed for that to happen also, if I didnt do that? Would we still be practically sexless, depressed and unhappy?

Also I said there is a divide between my spouse and I. Hes not a christian, hes not spiritual, hes into Guns, Shooting, sex toys, antique writing pens, video games, porn, Horror films and violent drama type shows, movies. I am not most of those things (I can enjoy the sex toys) And I know his porn consumption is small now and IM not anti it, but he grew up and heavily watched since he was age 9. I said if I did the things he wanted to do from the start? Id be high, playing video games, drunk, watching horror movies and shooting guns, cursing up a storm.

THat is him, and its not me, we are quite the contrast, his mind is very dark and depressive, even though he is cuddly and loving on the other end, hes open minded, non judgemental and I feel safe and protected by him and hes not a sexual male pig, hes always been very respectful of me in the bedroom.


Me? I was the non swearing, christian music listening, mom of 2 small kids trying to make it divorcing an abusive ex. He took me to see House of a Thousand Corpses when we dated and I had to leave part way thru and was so disturbed and traumatized, I remember crying in his bed about it. We never watched a movie like that again together. He laughs while watching horror films. Im disturbed.

He can drink too much if we go out, me, Im a half a glass of wine I sip all eve he will finish the bottle. He would be getting high often if I was on board. I tried it once when we dated with he and his friend but nothing happened. And that was it

Then I tried edibles this past yr for the first time and dont mind those for a fun time but Im even tapering that back some so its not too excessive. Its fun dont get me wrong, but Im the brakes around here.

So yeah,,,

meanwhile Stabilizer dude is very much like me, in all the areas that we are, we are very kind people, I say "Man if we were a couple we would be too darn sweet and hokey together" and thats not a bad thing but just the varied difference

Anyways, we are on good terms, we hashed it all out and we both know where one another stands and how one another feels and what we are each doing

And Im exhausted, felt wiped out and I cried so much too, he ended up crying during the convo and we had to go off cam and type as we couldnt talk either just type. He laughed and said if we were together wed both be crying on the couch, and he found that funny as he felt emotional talking to me at one point today

So all is good,,, I feel better




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