Amber's ramblings
2023-03-02 05:05:24 (UTC)

02/03 AM

It's 5 am and I'm still awake. I took a sleeping pill but it's not helping. Have to see what the doctor will say there must be a reason I can't sleep. I mean other than the constant noise in my head. Maybe a medication review is in order. The meds I'm on don't seem to be working lately.

He messaged me once last night saying he's sorry he does care. He's got a funny way of showing it. If he cared even the slightest he wouldn't have done this. I understand why. I was never his priority and I never would have been. I didn't do this and I don't care if he believes that or not. I'm done trying to convince him. One message in 3 days and he thinks that's ok. I told him we need to work what we're doing. I don't want him part time in my life. I don't want a message every 3 days. It would be better if he just left me alone. Yeah it's going to hurt like hell. But I've been through hell this time will be no different. Or maybe it will. Maybe I'll come back bitter and twisted and hating the general population. I keep my circle so small these days. I may have lost him from my circle but I gained new parents who do genuinely care. I know they do. But I'm not trusting myself to go to them when I need to. And I know I'm being stupid. Because they would never turn me away. It's just the ups and downs. I'm trying to hide it from them. It doesn't always work. One minute I'm ok and I can have a laugh and joke with them. The next minute I'm having to fight back the tears. I don't want to hide under my hood while I'm there. I just feel like I need to.