Amber's ramblings
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2023-03-01 20:19:00 (UTC)


I don't even trust my own feelings today. Why do I let the voices influence me. In this case I know they were wrong.

Anyway. Not heard anything from him again. It's been a couple of days. I'm ok about it. I don't care anymore. I say that. But as soon as he messages me I'll jump and answer him right away. I try not to. But it's so hard. I still love him despite everything. But he can't be with me and I can't keep trying to make him see my worth. Not that I'm worth much. But more than he treats me. He was perfect. I mean he still is perfect he just won't be mine anymore. I know I'll get through this. I just need someone to take my hand and say we can do it. And I know I don't have to fight this on my own. People here care about me. Despite what I'm feeling. And despite what the voices say. I have to go and see the doctor tomorrow. Need to call them after lunch. I won't be going alone. I'm starting to feel numb and that's never a good thing. At this point I'm glad I don't have my kitchen knives here. I haven't self harmed properly for 7 years. I say properly but I almost had a slip up the summer before last. I tried to but I only had knives and they were nowhere near sharp enough. I've been thinking about buying a packet of razor blades. I've been strong enough to resist so far but I am scared. This is when I'm most likely to hurt myself. When I feel numb I do stupid things just to feel something. Anything. I hope I can get through this.

Had a bit of a laugh when I went to pick up my medication. There were quiet moments but I wasn't sad I wasn't feeling anything. Yes I was thinking about him but I didn't cry. Some would say that's a good thing. I don't know which way I'll be going from here. I'm either going to come out the other side and go back to normal. Whatever normal is. Or I will sink lower than I have been so far. Hopefully I'm coming out the other side. It all depends on what happens next. It depends on him messaging me. Or not. Whatever. We'll see what happens.