Amber's ramblings
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2023-02-28 22:02:28 (UTC)


I genuinely don't know how I made it through the day. Things are pretty dark. I thought about driving my car into a wall or an oncoming lorry. I had to really force myself not to do it. I probably shouldn't have been driving on my own but I wasn't feeling very social. I couldn't even go and see mum. I know I should have I just couldn't do it. I only went to get my medication from her and stayed for a chat for a while. I should have told her about how I was feeling but instead I his under my hoodie hood. I'm only hiding it from her because I need her to believe I'm ok. She's not stupid she can see when I'm not right. My fake smiles don't work on her. And honestly she's the first person to really notice. No one else ever has. I'm kinda scared because I feel like she knows me better than anyone else ever has.

I think I'm right about the shift in energy. I don't think this is something I'm overthinking.

I know I'm insecure and need a lot of reassurance. I feel like people are getting tired of my depression. I don't want to be this way. He triggered this and I can't find my way back. One minute everything was fine, yes I was pissed at him but it shouldn't have happened the way it did. I know he blames me for it. I'll take it. It wouldn't be the first time I've been blamed for something I didn't do. No word from him again tonight. I'm getting so sick of this. He either wants to talk to me or he doesn't. He can't keep flitting in and out of my life whenever he feels like it. He's playing with my emotions. I wish I knew what to do. I wish there was a pill I could take to forget about him. I wish there was a switch to turn my feelings off. I know I'll get through this. I have to. I'm seriously considering ending it all. I wish I could feel better.

I'm thinking maybe it's time to get my medication back. It's not that I'm ready for it but I think they might be. I'll talk to them tomorrow when I collect tomorrow night's lot. I feel like I bother them. And it's probably just me overthinking things. It's late and I'm tired. Not the type of tired that sleep could fix. I'm tired from holding everything in for so long. I'm tired of pretending to be ok. I'm tired of being strong. I'm just tired of everything. And I can't find the words to tell them how I feel.

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