Whatever

Insatiable?
2023-02-28 10:16:53 (UTC)

Stabilizer Affair Chat

Im up at 3am, sitting here with hot tea on the couch.

Last night before bed, I had asked Stabilizer dude some personal questions ,more in depth on himself, how he copes in his situation and the way his marriage has been for so long, the aftermath of his affair, etc. I was asking the questions and just listening. Then he said BRB and he didnt return it was over an hour, so I figured there was something he needed to tend to as that is not his norm. I ended up leaving him a goodnight message and I went and got in bed, asked my spouse to come snuggle me to sleep, and he did.

When I woke up this am I found this...

"hey
had a long "conversation" with my wife. I'm sorry I missed you
Sleep tight. I will tell you about it when I have time to process."

And me being me? Im so anxious to hear about this! Its interesting because of the convo we had online and what I had asked him. So my wheels are turning wondering what happened? Did she come and approach him to talk last night and thats what made the convo happen?

So this was last nights convo before he left... Keep in mind he married at age 20, had sex once before his wife, 1 time in college. He ended up having an affair in his early 20s with a girl he met online gaming, went on for 8 mos and his wife found out,,,, Hes now almost 50....


Me "I had shared with you about how I had thought about Army guy, like he was always this distant person that was like my fantasy person. I think during all those yrs when things were really bad, I guess it was something I had to cling to in the very back of my mind to feel like I was desired by someone or someone else knew me, like connected to me beyond a surface level. But then we wouldnt talk for about a yr, there was no plan on when we would talk again, it just would float back off into the ether..... So I could daydream at times someone cared for me. Did you ever have that or a dream or something like that? I also didnt view porn at all during all that time either. So I get amazed at times at how I went so long in the state I was in. Have you periods like that in your life, like after the affair? Did you miss it? Did you think of doing it again? Did you have some far off fantasy thought?

Him

Hmmm...this is a good question
thinking
Yes, I think so.
I dreamed that I would fine someone who would accept me, who I could be myself with, who I could relax with
but it was never a real person
it was just a dream that I never expected to come true
and I think that is part of the reason for the affair
I felt so alone
so much pressure
and not really feeling like I mattered
so finding someone who seemed to give me those things
now, some of that was me being unhealthy
some was probably legit
but that woman wouldn't have really given me that stuff
but sure, I missed it
After that, I guess I just assumed it was all in my head
like it was just a fake story I was telling myself and that person never existed and never would
so why try and find it
There was something wrong with me...at least that is what I thought
and again, I'm not saying I was not at fault
but I think I assumed it was a simpler situation than I thought
so, no, I don't think I did consider doing it again
and honestly I think it was a littel crushing
killing the dream if that makes sense
after that, I never dreamed about it again"

Me "so did you have an escape after that?
Or did things improve at home in some form?"

Him " well...I did a lot to change myself
I think I thought it was jus tmy problem"

Me "So you had to be the one to change?"

Him " thats what I thought at the time
but looking back, it shold have been "our" problem.
I thought the counselor we saw was really good
but it was a christian councilor
really pushed the fact that it was my problem
and we never really got into the marriage as being the root cause
so I thought things had gotten better
and I think they had as far as I was concerned
for me personally
but it didn't do anything for her or our marriage
which now kind of makes me angry
to be honest"

Me "you think your the only one that took away something from it in the end?"

Him "yes
but I kind of feel like that was the councilor's fault
to not really address the marriage?
I had never really thought about any of this before

Me "I have no clue what a counseling standard approach to affairs is
i think most people end up there more in crisis moments was yours kinda urgent like that or no?"

Him
I don't remember it being

Me
how did you end up in counseling, whos idea?

Him
we agreed to it

Me
was she angry with you? Did she go off on you? anything like that? When she found out

Him
yes
very
and i didn't put up a fight
I don't think I was confident enough to really know what was going on
I had been feeling guilty anyway
so it was a good excuse to just end that
man, I was so stupid
just in the way I let that all play out


So see how interesting this was and then hes off having a chat with his wife....


Man to be a fly on the wall in that convo...

Hopefully Ill hear more today, we shall see.





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