The problem with me is I can feel the shift in energy. I can feel when something is off. And this person is definitely off with me. So I have to be so careful from now on.
He's been messaging me tonight. He still blames me for what happened. We almost got into an argument where he thought I was blaming him. I said I'm not blaming you I'm blaming myself. Why does he make me feel this way? He knows what this is doing to me. And he knows that I would take him back in a heartbeat. He's still talking about the summer. Like that's going to change anything. I'm not holding on for a maybe. He wants to know who did it. I said we'll find out sooner or later. But I don't even care anymore. He made his choice. It broke my heart. And every time I talk to him I go right back to the beginning. I seem to take one step forward and 2 steps back. He asked me how I was and how my day was going. I told him it wasn't great I was crying on mum's shoulder for most of the afternoon. He asked why I said because I miss him. Then we got on to the blame game.
Anyway no matter how I'm feeling tomorrow I will deal with it as best as I can. I have to be strong and get through this. Even if I'm falling apart I will deal with it. I have to.
I might have to take a sleeping pill tonight. Though I don't think that would work. There is so much shit going around in my head. Why are voices so loud. I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I'm lost wandering a dark maze with no way out. It's like there is a dark thunder cloud surrounding me. I'm close to the edge. I can feel the tears threatening to come at any second. I hope no one notices. I feel like running away. I don't want to be here. All I can say is it's a good job I don't have kitchen knives here at the moment. The way I'm feeling.