rotten

drama, it's so dramatic

i've been too overwhelmed by everything that's been going on to write about any of it, but yay for me doing a bit better rn! woop woop. it might be just a day, an hour, a moment even - but it's something, so i'll take it. it hasn't only been things happening in my social circles, or even the stuff going on inside my head, it's the sensory overload as well; the noise from the road work outside my building is starting to reeeally bug me, and the dog hair sitch has once again gotten out of hand. i got a bunch of cleaning done last night so i'm noticing the hairs more, and same goes with coffee stains on my cupboards etc. i'm super proud of myself for getting things done though!! look at that, i even gave it two exclamation marks, now this is getting serious. anyway, i visited n & m and the new baby, and when i came home i took a break on the couch and then just... went for it. started cleaning. i still can't believe i actually did it and didn't even hate it. with this brain! unbelievable. i cleaned my bathroom first, then i finally moved the white wooden box shelf thingy from the living room area to where w's bed used to be - i've been meaning to do that for aaages. the paint bucket and plant stuff i hid in the corner behind the clothing rack, i'll have to come up with a better solution for those.. i also need a better place for the massage mat (that i have yet to take out of it's box...) and ugh yeah well, there's a LOT of shit to do, still, but i made a ton of progress so i'm happy. i'm gonna keep repeating that to myself until i actually believe it, i refuse to get anxious about all the unfinished business again. anyway. i rearranged the vintage dresser i have underneath my tv, and the plant cemetary ie empty pots underneath that one. i even dusted everything! granted, i thought "oh look at me, going above and beyond!" the entire time i was doing it, but i still did it. i rolled the carpet back out, the old one i had - the new one i got from my grandma's cousin was too big for the space, although it's so fucking soft i wanna lay on it forever, so. i need to find a place for it. too bad the color is too light for the kitchen area... yeah. i rearranged my shoes and the entire entryway too, and my makeup table, and the yellow desk. actually the only things that were left undone were the dishes, putting the clothes back to the closet from The Chair, and going through the boxes that are on their way to downstairs storage - and taking those there. but i mean, with the breaks and all it did take me around ELEVEN hours to get all the cleaning and rearranging done that i did, so. again, i'm proud. i'm also proud i went to bed when i felt like the enjoyment might've ended had i kept going, so now i actually feel like it's a true possibility that i'll finish the job any day now. and that's a first lol.

why does my coffee always get cold before i finish it? oh, right. btw i've finally started eating my christmas chocolates. me! chocolate! it's a christmas miracle, only two months late. it's fitting tho, as i'm still drinking the christmas coffee i got from m - it's absolutely delicious. not that christmassy though, just has hazelnut and ... cardamom? in it, i think? something else too, i can't remember what it was. either way. oh, and since we're in the lifestyle section of this entry, i have started burning the candles i got from a for christmas, and i love them! i'm glad she opted for not making them scented, althouuuugh i guess i wouldn't mind a nice pine scent or smth.

when was the last time i wrote an entry? idek, let's check... on the 18th! deerlord. a lot has gone down between then and now. i spent last sunday at home alone, got nothing done, was higly anxious. didn't sleep at all the following night and didn't go to paja on monday, because i was freaking out about the drama and their way of handling it (very, very crappily) - i sent out a message about it, got an absolutely atrocious response, didn't reply back. spent the rest of the day in the state of deep depersonalization, took a late night nap, got more and more anxious in the process. me, je & ju got invited to paja to discuss the drama with m & s ... i talked to je & ju, met up with them at the library an hour before and went to paja together with them. had coffee, calmed our nerves. went in with a good mood... and oh boy, did that change quickly. m was totally unhinged. i still can't believe the whole conversation *actually* happened. she was just... well, first of all, fucking unprofessional, but to go more into detail, overly defensive, aggressive, accusive, belittling, gaslightey and just so damn childish it was absolutely ridiculous. she screamed and yelled, she made ruthless assumptions and accusations, she tried to make us feel responsible for things nobody can nor should even try to be. at some point it seemed like we were finding one possible solution and about to wrap up, but then m lost it and started to scream at us about things that had never happened nor did she have any reasons to believe they were going to happen - and at the same time she still tried to convince us she wasn't blaming us for anything, that we hadn't done anything wrong and that she thinks we are allowed to set our personal boundaries... yeah right. she clearly didn't realize all the things she said couldn't be true at the same time, and still said we were completely misunderstanding her - and kept yelling. the shock made my my legs stop working again. i think it was because i was so anxious throughout the whole thing and then, right when i thought there was some kind of a common conclusion and i got lulled into thinking things might actually get better, she turned around and started screaming and being a complete arsehole. the only good decision she made that day was removing herself from the conversation towards the end of it (still claiming she could handle it, wasn't taking anything personally etc. utter bullshit lmao, what a pathetic excuse of a human) and leaving us to finish it up with only s. who had, btw, been almost entirely quiet the whole time. at one point ju asked them a question but m started yealling on top of them cutting them off mid-sentence, so, there's that. they didn't really say much, just that they did their best to listen and try and comprehend the big picture of the situation - and that they agreed the conversation didn't go well at all. they also, even though idk if they did it on purpose and i almost suspect not, fully agreed with me when i said that one can see it from miles away whenever m is agitated. that sole moment alone has kept me going since tuesday because it was first hilarious and second, so reassuring.

but yeah, when the conversation was over and everyone wanted to leave, my legs didn't obey my brain. je left but ju said she'd wait and walk to the bus stop together with me. s also stayed, and i really appreciated it. a was at the paja too even tho she wasn't a part of the conversation, and she and m left too. i wish i could've been a fly on the wall for their conversation ... i bet m spewed out a bunch of bs. anyway, i was just trying to breathe normally and not go into a bigger panic. ju went to grab water for me and s asked if everything was okay with me. i said no, and they sat down, asking if i wanted them to stay with me. i just said a quiet thanks and continued crying. they then procedeed to chat about anything and everything - a tactic i don't usually care for, but they were so casual about it somehow, so immediately comfortable with it, and since they're usually kinda awkward, i grabbed onto that vibe more than the smalltalk. they started with my old hometown cause they remembered we had discussed it before, and when ju joined we spent i guess a bit over an hour chatting about music, board games, the gig ju had coming up, the fact that she and i used to go to school together without us knowing... just a bunch of small, everyday topics. and eventually my legs started working again - i got home around ten *enter skull emoji here*. i was so fucking ashamed, but somehow s convinced me that they weren't in a hurry and that they truly didn't mind at all staying with me (/us). not even once did they ask what the situation with my legs was, not once did i feel like they were eager to go. i don't think anyone's ever managed to make me feel so at peace and so unashamed for, well, essentially wasting their time. ju asked a few questions that had the potential to make me want to crawl into a shame tunnel, but the way s replied was just the right amount of reassuring each time. all of this actually helped with the unclear crushing-kinda feelings i've been having towards them, which is weird, i kinda would've thought it'd have the opposite effect. but no. and the way i originally thought they might not do that well under a specific kinda pressure - heck, i admit it, i doubted their competence, i did. they proved me wrong, and i texted them a thank you before i went to bed that night. i tried to express how rare it was for me to actually buy it when someone tells me "it's okay", but based on their response, i think i might've just made them a tad uncomfortable, so. not doing that again, lol. although they did once mention they were dyslexic, so i probably shouldn't read too much into the formality of their communication via text. either way, that night was all kinds of horrible but in the end there was one really good, safe and needed experience as well. ju was also amazing; it's insane how quickly we've become friends, and what kind of friends! even if my 'career' at paja ended because of this whole shit show, at least i got to know amazing people there - and we've already decided we'll continue to hang out outside of the paja.

actually we already did it - hung out outside of the paja. well, me, sa and je. ju wasn't up for it yet, she needed to rest after everything that went down, but the rest three of us 'yatzy weener's club' members went out for coffee and museum...ing on friday. i went to paja on both wednesday and thursday, mainly just to hang out with sa, to support jo with his art exhibition project, and to say my goodbyes to the interns we've had for the past howevermany weeks. i did notice i'm no longer very comfortable being there, and yeah, that sucks. (awww, w came up to me just now and clearly asked to be held... what an absolutely adorable creature. i'm so fortunate to have her. the sweetest, softest thing! now completely relaxed on my lap / in my arms - in a position i can't believe to be comfortable xD i can't with this doggo. so precious. my little lion cub!) sa was also pretty anxious on thursday, so after the paja closed we stood in the train station lobby talking for 1,5 hours. it helped with both of our anxieties. she's SO sweet, so kind, so smart and so funny. just an all around wonderful person - i'm so glad we've found each other. i can't believe she's never had many friends and/or has had a hard time keeping some, she's so great? but also shy and insecure, so i guess that's why. either way, i'm so proud of her for daring to speak up more often nowadays and for coming out of her shell. it's super clishe but she really is, blooming. anyway, thursday morning my mum brought w home, and god damn i had missed her! she RAN to me from the door, and immediately curled up on my chest, we spent the first two hours basically just cuddling. on friday morning i talked to ju on ig so intesively that i ended up still having wet hair when i hopped on the bus that took me to my pppt's appointment, lmao. this time we just talked - i ADORE that woman. she's so open and honest, so sweet and so genuine. i think she is truly conserned for me, truly frustrated for me, truly trying to help me. we made plans to work on grounding breathing techniques on my next visit and she promised to find out if she could come to my house for a visit too; when i told her i've always found it super helpful to have another person around so that i can get things done. anyway, she's amazeballs, i love her, and it already pains me that i'll probably have to give her up come the end of march. but i mean i got through the occupational therapy valuation ending, maybe i'll get through this too? anyway, after i had stayed for 20 extra minutes at my pppt's, i met up with sa in the main library. we talked and played a few rounds of yatzy before je got there, and then we walked to the museum center. we had coffees and sa told us a bit about their trip to cyprus, or began telling us about it lol, she never got very far. we went to see the stone museum's permanent exhibit, and goooood loooord it was cool. the museums are free on fridays so there was quite a lot of people there, but it was still enjoyable. the gaming museum not so much, lmao. there was kids everywhere, it was nerve-wrecking. also, i'm not as big of a nerd as sa and je are, so they probs enjoyed it even more, but it was fun and interesting for me too. i got an 286 on the speedtest - the game with four dif colored buttons that take turns lighting up and you just have to keep smashing them in the right order when the speed increases - and an employee there was blown away by it haha, that also made me feel good. afterwards we went for another coffees & some cake, and a game of yatzy, in another coffee shop because the museum center closed. it was a lovely, relaxed hang-out, and i made it home just in time to walk w.

yesterday i visited n & m - i think i mentioned that already. but i bet i didn't mention that i read through the baby's baby book, and there was a spot for "who all were eagerly waiting for your arrival?" and n had written down a long list of family members and relatives - and then... *crying*, my name, with -"aunt" at the end! HOW SWEET. i'm so goddamn privileged to have these people in my life who so unconditionally welcome me into theirs and their clidren's lives, it's mind-blowingly humbling. i'm so, so, so lucky. so lucky. god damn it.

today sai came for coffee, and it was lovely. it's only the second time we've seen each other in like, over ten years now, but it feels like we were never apart. it's wild that she's actually the friend who's known me the longest, of all the friends i have rn - even si i got to know later than i did sai. she was my neighbor, and my 'god-parent' assigned by our school when i was a 1st grader and she on 5th grade. we became friends inspite of the age difference, and she was my 'big sister' for the longest time. people always said we looked very similar and asked if we were truly sisters, haha - OH actually, when we were talking about our relatives and roots and shit today, we found out we're possibly related! our fathers are from the same area, and it's really such a small world and especially that area is such a closed one, i wouldn't be surprised if there was actually a reason to our look-alikeness. i've always admired and loved her - she's the one who introduced me to anime, manga, japanese music, and well, baking too. i mean i always used to bake with my dad too, but with sai we used to bake cookies and that's still my go-to easy thing to bake to this day. she and her family were the rare atheists in our small village, and gosh how grateful i am of having known her, especially now. i can see how much i've always benefited from her perspectives, i think that's one of the things that saved me (ironic, huh?) from ever getting *too deep* into religion. okay so she brought us croissants and a small rasperry cheesecake that was cute as hell, and we talked and talked and talked. about everything. i talked to her about how my brain works and what i've been conditioned to believe about myself and my behaviors and the way i should be able to function, and she said it helped her immensely, with understanding her ...i wanna say husband but i really have no idea if they're married or not lmao? anyway, her partner, who also has adhd and ocpd. so that's cool. and he's cool - i met him in the fall when i visited them. i hope we'll see each other again soon; i mean me and sai, but well, her partner too, sure. ok i just need to write this down: i realized that what prevents me from taking the steps to make my own life easier, for example throwing things away so it would be easier to keep a tidy living space, might be the fact that i still hold on to the idea that i could fix all the issues by just ... doing things differently, ie like i for some fucking reason believe they 'should be done'. so because throwing things away is also uncomfortable, i still just assume i'll one day become a person who - well, basically, as if i'd one day turn into a neurotypical, even though i know that won't happen and i've noticed it time and time again, for almost 30 years, that i can't function like one either, no matter how fucking hard i tried.

this is long as fuck i'm gonna go now goodbye future me xx