I'm Deeply Afraid But Know Not What Of.
The more I bend myself to the excruciating task of figuring out what is going on, the more God protects myself AND THEM. I can only manage very small steps. My obsessive mind won't grant me room for much more than this, plus I don't have much to work with. I figured the following out weeks ago but what is left of the terror won't let me accept it. Today I decided to accept what I have figured out because several days apart I've experienced two serious bouts of chest pain due to the stress of duress.
There's four separate groups of them. I'm not going crazy. This doesn't include neighbours or townspeople, HOWEVER, one or more - courageously hazarding a guess - DEFINITELY more than one group is involved with both of THE OTHER TWO I'VE JUST MENTIONED. I'm pretty certain that one of the first groups is nominally represented and may be remotely connected to one OR MORE of the other three. So what OF these 6 groups as far as I'm concerned?
They've played me. THE FUCKEN MAJORITY OF THEM. Well done all of you. They've played me because I worked alone for my own safety / survival and WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THEM. Safety and survival. I can't identify you? Therefore, I don't know you.
The only thing that I can SEE (as a gift to myself), is their tenacious effort to constantly undermine me. It's incredible. Unbelievable really. I've never let you do this to me have I? Maybe you do care and I do matter. Maybe you just want me to shut THE. FUCK. UP. I'm just about there with this. I'm a civilian remember? Not military personnel or anything. The truth IS stranger than fiction. The soldier within *"hath had elsewhere its setting." Remember that.
This is longer than I intended it. I'm not deleting this. I've deleted so much. No more.
Hilary Hahn plays Bach. Gorgeous. This has got me through some incredibly tough moments.
I owe them nothing. They all need to leave me alone. This ship has sailed once more. And this time, it's for the best.
An Angel's Wing has held me fast and never let go. One Stripling Ammonite too. God's got this. What an incredible journey my life has been. It's been sheer hell to journey through, a lot of the time : whether clean or using. The blessings and rewards ; the miracles and sheer agony of living. The beauty and evil of it all.
I want to be left alone, so I need to leave them alone. I can't stop them from staring (just hate it), trying to sneak photos ( just hate this too), trying to make money out of me, nailing me to the community "wall" as a scapegoat and punching bag and the sucophancy (just hate it even more). It never pays for me to carry on hating The World even though I am not of it in the way they are. The rest of my life doesn't include being of The World again. I've done my best to divest myself of The World and I need never return there. This ship has sailed.
"God. Grant me The Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The Courage to change the things I can and The Wisdom to know the ever-loving difference."
I am completely powerless over people, places and things - and my life has become unmanageable. My inner life.
My outer life : everything. I'm sick. I'm working at getting better again.
Why let other people who are also sick, keep me sick? I don't intentionally let them. I need to transform my anger into courageous actions that brings peace. I fight back and fight back. It's increasing the duress every time I have to leave my home.
THE OPPOSITE OF LOVE ISN'T HATRED. IT'S F.E.A.R.
Recover. ... this kind of fears transforms into L.O.V.E.
I'm ready when you are God, for this tribulatory period to be at an end. It's beginning to feel that way....help me to think of others first. Help me to protect myself from creeps. Fame has attracted the creeps in large number. This, I hateth.