Gone mental

Notes from my Black
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2023-02-27 04:02:49 (UTC)

New York Goo

I watched a movie tonight- Before We Go. Hadn’t seen it before, and liked it. I was going to write more about it and how I’d change this or that, but I think maybe I’d just complicate things in a story meant to be clean. So my take on it is, I liked it. I liked the romance tension. I liked the setting and that seems to be recurring with me.

The movie is set at night. Just one night. It’s a story of how one night went for these people. Kinda like Nick and Nora’s ultimate playlist, which was also a great movie.

Maybe it’s because I grew up in a big city. Maybe it’s because I kinda stopped maturing after I left the city… well at least for a while. In my heart I’m still that adventurous kid with a fresh driver’s license and a Friday paycheck to blow at a record store, second hand store, concert, or maybe a pile of toilet paper I’m itching to throw on a friends trees.

I’ve been asked why I’m down lately. Well… it’s a story. I’ve been feeling down lately though. One thing for sure, I’ve learned to hide it better, or I’m not so deep this time. It’s probably both. I made this choice last night. I was going to talk to Her and tell her why I’ve been down. I was going to open up. Then little things happened and I either chickened out, or gave up again. It’s hard to trust someone who doesn’t see you. I’m sure that phrase could come out of both of us. Down deep we both know we’re here for the boy. It’s ok. Neither of us planned on having an adult baby-child, but there it is. He’s absolutely perfectly flawed. We both love him to pieces, and that nothing.

Back to the downs. I’ve felt like a failure. It really boils down to that. The author “friends” I have expect the next book… but I can’t afford it. The first one is slowly sucking my savings right out of me. So I’m at a crossroads. Do I suck it up and push out another, or do I suck it up and bring some money in? It’s a pretty sad call either way.

As for the goo… I’m a romantic. I really am. I want the sappy stuff. It makes me happy. I kinda remember what it was like. Movies make that easier. I stopped watching Hallmark. I got tired of the comments.

I’ve been a bit scattered and this note probably reflects that. I am being what I can be right now. Nothing past that.