Amber's ramblings
2023-02-27 00:09:33 (UTC)


I don't know what is wrong with me. When I went to see mum this evening I was in a state again. I couldn't stop crying. She hugged me so tight. At one point I couldn't breathe and I didn't care. If that's how I die that's how I die. I'm feeling fragile still but I'm doing a bit better than I was earlier. I wasn't in a good place.

He messaged me earlier. He told me to move on and find someone else someone I can be with. I said I don't want anyone else. He said he would be back later and we would talk as friends. How can we be friends? I love him too much. He never came back. I didn't think he would. I won't hear from him again for a few days now. Just as I'm starting to feel better he sends me a message and I go right back to the start again. This isn't fair. It isn't fair on me and it isn't fair on mum because she is the one left picking up the pieces every time I fall apart over him. I'm breaking my own heart over someone who doesn't care at all. If he did he wouldn't be doing this. I keep telling myself I don't need him. But the truth is I do. I can't believe it has come to this. I truly believed he was the one. He broke down my walls and played in the rubble. He fixed my heart and made me feel like I mattered. Then he went and shattered my heart and made me see my true worth. How could I think I mattered to him. I'm not important to anyone. I honestly feel like giving up. If it wasn't for mum and dad I would have given up weeks ago. The only reason I'm still alive now is because of them. I have too much love and respect for them to put them through my suicide

I feel like I could drown in these tears.

What am I supposed to do without him? My life has no meaning now. It would be better for everyone if I wasn't here anymore.