The lonely codependent

Addicted to you no more
2023-02-26 17:36:09 (UTC)

Finally doing the right thing?

This was my second trip to the capital within a few days. Two things I've noticed:
1 People keep asking me for money. I wish I could help but unfortunately I'm poor just like them.
2 One guy asked me for money in English (which is not the official language of my country) even though he was definitely not a tourist and I was not talking to anyone so he should have had no clue whether I'm a tourist or not and here I'm not. I'm hanging out with foreigners all the time though, I didn't know that was so easy to notice.

I traveled through the big city to go on a trip for which I'd invited my friend too. I was almost there when he texted me saying he couldn't come. I thought well, it's not the end of the world that I'm doing things alone. I do this all the time and I always have a good time but this is exactly the problem. If nothing changes and I don't step out of my comfort zone, my life and I won't improve.

Luckily he changed his mind very soon and we spent the whole day hanging out. I had a good time and did not feel under pressure at all. I don't want to see people how they live in my mind anymore but for what they are in real life. I'm curious to find out what they want instead of trying to convince them of what I want. Making this change seems much easier than I thought it would be. I don't feel like I should put labels on my relationships right now: who will be my friend, who will be my boyfriend, who will be my best friend, I think life will give me these labels at some point and ask me to stick them onto the right people but I'm definitely not there at the moment. What I should do now is simply enjoy making new connections.

However, the basic problem is the same in all these cases. The first thing I need to do to develop any of these relationships types is make them want to keep in touch with me and be part of my life. That's what I don't know how to do. I hanged out with someone but what to do next? How not to be forgotten and left out like I used to be? That's the next big chapter in my schoolbook...

I think one of the biggest misconceptions in a codependent person's mind is that we need to have everything under control to feel safe: our emotions and other people's emotions as well. I've been like that till now, not even realizing how much I was restricting myself and doing the exact opposite of what I should be doing. Having stopped that everything seems so much easier, really. It's about time to break the ice, or curse or whatever so I should stop sabotaging my own relationships from the very beginning.

A few days ago before going to therapy I was not feeling very well mentally and asked myself if there was any point in doing that at all, but I'm making progress as it seems.