The day has passed peacefully enough. I watched TV, listened to my Bible readings for the day and the priest’s commentary, read, played my game and tried to sleep. The sleep didn’t work out as the boys came in to tell me they were off for the shopping…so I’ve finished the second in the Earth’s Children series, The Valley of Horses. Now, I’m reading this:
For the record, I am not afraid of dying, I am afraid of dying badly. That is, dying alone and in pain.
My emotions have been all over the map this evening. Anger, resentment, sadness, depression, joy, contentment, I’ve felt them all tonight. I think I’ll take an extra Indica gummy when I go to bed. Perhaps it will calm my frazzled nerves and flatten out my emotions. I always say, I feel big. Meaning, when I’m high, I’m very high and when I’m low, I’m very low. And I rapid cycle. I can be laughing one moment and crying as if my best friend just passed the next. And, no, in case you’re wondering, I do not have bipolar or any depressive disorder. I have CPTSD also called complex trauma syndrome, and a dissociative disorder. That, plus my Asperger’s and chronic pain, make me depressed. Bipolar, MDD and other such depressive disorders are difficult to live with. I hope I never have to feel that hopeless. I hope I never know what that’s like…