AmberG

25/02

He irritates me so much. He knows what he's doing to me. He knows how this is affecting me. The truth is I'm not on his mind at all. And I know that. He always said he'd never walk away. He said he loved me. How could he love me and still do this. I still feel lost. I'm sitting here trying so hard not to cry. But it's not working.

Ok change the subject. I cooked tonight for mum and dad. They loved it. Well they said they loved it and I have no reason to think they'd lie. I told them I would cook for them any time they like. It was nice spending time with them tonight. I tried to stay positive but he was in my head. And I could feel the tears coming and had to fight so hard to keep them back. We were having a good time and I didn't want to ruin it. I had to leave I'm feeling so emotional. It's like being on a roller coaster up and down all the time. Why am I trying to hide it from them?

I want to disappear. Just one day up and leave. Just to somewhere anywhere for a while. There's only place I'd go around here to try and clear my head. I would go up the hills and just let the wind hit me while I scream into it. The problem is too many people go up there. And I don't want to be taken away by the men in white. What would happen if I disappeared? Would people really notice. They all have their own lives going on. So I don't blame them. I've really needed my bestie these last few weeks. I reached out to her but she had stuff going on too. We arranged to meet for a catch up she never messaged the address she would be at. I get that she's busy but it's not often I will reach out to anyone. Even now I don't want to reach out and that is why I'm hiding my feelings. I don't want them to not want to hang out with me because I'm crying all the time. It's hard. It's so hard to break that cycle of pushing people away. I get too close I get scared I push them away. He was the only person who stuck around. Well he was until a few weeks ago.

About 18 months ago I wasn't with him we broke up and I dated someone else for a couple of months. He told me once that I was cold and emotionless. I'm not even mad about that because he was right. I don't know how to show my emotions. I've always had to hide them. If I showed any weakness growing up my siblings would pounce. I learned to hide everything. I never let my feelings go. I don't cry Infront of people. And when I do there must be a great deal of trust there. I can count on one hand how many people I can let everything out too. I don't like being touched. Because touch leads to pain. Or it did when I was growing up. So letting someone other than him hug me is a massive step.

I don't know what I'm doing half the time. Everything is a mess. My head. My life. My emotions nothing is right. Everything is in black and white. It's like a thunder cloud over my head. I wish it would go away. I thought if I opened up and started to talk about what happened I could start to heal from. I can't keep talking to mum about it because she will get bored. She knows the basics but I've never gone into detail. Maybe that's the problem. I'm not opening up enough. How do I tell her all the bad stuff? How could I ever be brave enough to say the words? But the voices in my head won't shut up bringing it all up. They don't want me to talk about it. They get louder the closer I get to talking. Trying to stop me thinking. Concentrating. Keeping everything there all at once so I don't know what to say. Which memory do I start with. Which traumatic event do I go for first.
Yesterday I was doing ok. And now I'm feeling crap again.