Tru's diary
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2023-02-25 13:00:31 (UTC)

I'm lost...

It's been awhile since I wrote because this depression is taking me down.
I did go to my appointment to see the counselor. It's crazy cuz it was a walk in at first and they only have a couple counselors. One for adults and one for children. I went on a Monday, showed up before they opened and there was a note that the counselor was out sick. At least I was able to fill out the paperwork which really helped my position on Weds when I went again.
I don't know what was wrong with me Weds but it took everything I had to hold my tears in. There were 5 other people and the lady came out and said the counselor would only be able to see two people. My heart beat fast and tears were breaking through but I tried really hard to hold them in. I think she saw through me and did what should could to narrow it down. One couldn't be seen because she just filled out paperwork that morning, two decided to drive to the other facility in another parish, and one was coming back at 1pm for her assessment. So that left me and one other.
When I went in for my assessment,. Finally opened up about my thoughts of being unalive, I told her I didn't need to go into a hospital and please don't put me in one. I was so relieved when she said she wasn't.
I'm relieved she is taking me on as a client but sucks I have to wait til April for my first session. I do have to go back March for depression medicine.
Can't take it in this house anymore. Two days after my appointment, D was in accident. I feel so bad that I didn't feel empathy. I knew he was alright though. Knew it would happen one day because he terrible driver. He always multitasks (tries) and always ges in other lane or headed off the road. He can't even look at something without veering off. He has gone through a few cars because he was either hitting a raccoon, deer, or possums.
I was still so very mad for his manipulation, lies, and taking advantage of his daughter.
A day after he was home, he asked if I was still mad at him, I told him yes and if he ready to talk I will talk. He wanted to cuz he said he couldn't take it no more. I let him know what I was pissed at. I told him he needed to step up and be a dad. To stop putting his problems or debt on his daughter so she wouldn't worry. It's really hard to calm her due to her having Asperger's. All the loans he took out,vwe worked hard to get pay off. His brother was even giving him money to help pay off. Sure he finally got them paid off but then tells me he talk to his daughter and he took out a loan and his daughter was going to help. This is what got me upset. He uses his daughter for her money. I asked him when is she going to be able to enjoy the money she earns. My depression took over my life fully now.
I don't know how much more I can take in.