Sexual Fantasies continued
What are the specific sexual fantasies or pornography searches that tend to arouse you the most? What might these sexual fantasies symbolize?
My main ones? Domination by a man, submissive women. Being tied up, bound, all that type of stuff, sexually teased and tortured, but more in an arousing way not someone whos not gaining pleasure from it.
My day to day types of fantasies? Is being "Taken" a super confidant man that im attracted to and desirous of picking up on that and just grabbing me and kissing me, his hand in my hair, kissing me so much I can barely breathe and Im so turned on. It often stops in my own head fantasies right there. Like I like that initial sensation of the tension being broken and him taking me and I just go limp in his arms and submissive to him.
With my husband? My idea? Tie me to the bed, sexually tease me till I cant stand it, undo me and tell me to get on my knees and perform oral sex, and then stop me, and then make me start again, see how deep he can be in my mouth, that is my fantasy there. Tell me what a good girl I am, spank me, pull my hair.
What do these maybe symbolize?? Umm well... I want to be dominated, I want to be controlled? Because by day I hold a lot together and Im pretty strong emotionally and in life I believe and I do a lot and manage a lot of things in life. And well its nice to be "Take care of" even though Im pleasing someone else in the process. See as a 2 enneagram person, IM always thinking of others before myself, but with being submissive you are being totally 100% focused on. I want that so badly to feel that intensity of focus? Because I give that to my partners and friends, etc. ANd its not typically returned.
I was talking to a friend about this last night and how I dont see how Im worth paying attn too without my sexuality that its the one thing I have in my intimate relationships that keeps my partner coming back for more. With friends, family, kids, they are all in their own worlds and I feel pretty discarded, forgotten about, less valuable or that they consider I have done something wrong and Im on the outs. But with a sexual partner? No matter what is going on, if I can perform sexually, they will always feel that bond to me and keep coming back to me for more. They wont leave me. Like everyone else has. My partners dont leave me, I leave them.
What age were these sexual fantasies established? What was going on in your life at the time?
Hmm well as a kid, it wasnt overtly sexual, but I really enjoyed playing House as a kid and being an abused child or an abused pet. Yes I can remember this totally. My gf A would be the Mom often and I say "Please be the mean Mom" and yell at me, put me in the closet, mistreat me and she would do it! She was kinda sadistic with her play of dolls also. THey were mean and bratty and I just really liked it. This was apart from the sexual part though, and then my gf L in Jr High taught me when playing dolls, basically how to have rape parties, I mean wtheck huh? Our dolls had a school dance that evolved into a rape fest, the girl dolls tied up and the boys raping them and we played for hours. I mean she was a mormon girl, Jr High and where did she come up with this stuff? And I learned that from her and played that way often after that, barbies, etc, hooker barbie, got her dressed up to prostitute herself and taught other girls to play that way, younger girls (ugh) with their dolls they all must wonder what trauma I had looking at it as adults. What was going on in my life at that time? Umm all I can recall is it was just my parents and I. Mom was stoic and strict, not emotionally connected, I had chores, rules, expectations, curfew, super rigid on those things and you followed those or you got grounded, but she didnt know much else about me, to be in line I had to do those things. My Dad? He was pretty absent, work and drinking isolated in his den. I was on my own, played alone a lot at home, my siblings were older and out of the house. So it was just me. I loved to be outside with the neighbor kids and play and explore all day until the st lights came on and I had to be home. My parents did at some point start to exhibit some problems that I was more aware of. Came home one day to find my mom sitting at the kitchen table crying. I never saw her cry. I remember feeling compassion, sympathy, Id never seen her cry or be upset, she was strong and stoic. And I had asked about sleeping over at a friends, she said yes, but part of me felt I should take care of her, but she seemed to be okay with me going. I remember her carrying her clothing to the office/back bedroom of the house closet, out of my parents bedroom. My mom was always home, I was rarely alone and she had started doing city council meetings during this time, gone one night a wk or so and I guilt tripped her, cried, felt needy and alone and my Dad picked up on it and guilted my mom over it. He in turn left me at church one sunday and didnt pick me up, forgot about me (my parents didnt go to church but my bro had taken me when he was home visiting) so I was there by myself and to be picked up after sunday school. I waited a long time, all the cars leaving and stood out front and started to cry. I didnt know what to do, I just stood there frozen in tears and one young guy a friend of my brothers saw me, he took me inside and called my Mom who came to get me and I remember her yelling at my father later over it. I also went on a camping type trailer tv trip one wknd with my Dad and got carbon monoxide poisoning riding int he back of the truck from the exhaust (we didnt know what it was at that moment) but I was sick, vomiting a migraine and my Dad was trying to get me to walk I remember at a rv camp ground and holding me up, he drove back home and made me sit in the front seat with him. When I got in the door my mom said angrily "What is wrong with her???" and I passed out on the couch. I was never taken to the hospital or a dr. But I know my Dad got it for all that. My mom also refused to let me go to my first slumber party which I was so excited to go too because I didnt do my chores (my bro was in town from college, he had been a big bro with the YMCA and had 2 brothers he spent time with and asked me to come with and have Pizza, I said I couldnt cause I had to do my chores, he said Ah cmon, mom wont get mad, Ill talk to her" and I went, Well guess what? She got mad, I got grounded and I remember him even pleading with her over in the background. I just cried and cried, I was heartbroken and my gf and the other slumber party friends came and sung me christmas carols outside that night and I handed her the gift I had to give her.
I guess I had a constant time of feeling alone, forgotten, I did something wrong, wasnt important enough.