GoodGirl

Arousal & Porn Searches

Wow, I stumbled upon this podcast....

And that resulted in me finding this guy whos vids Ive been watching, Jay Stringer, about Unwanted sexual behaviors...

and Ive watched 3 of his videos on youtube and now on his website reading articles. He basically says that what arouses us and our porn searches can tell us about our life story. And how it stems from childhood, etc, and he ties in your parents big time to this, which I didnt think would apply exactly... anyways,,, Im listening to others stories and now Im going through my own I was all Holy crap IM connecting the dots! Things I never associated....

First off, he speaks of peoples first sexual experiences and earlier porn usage etc..

So I was all hmmm
Mine? Teenage boys when I was around 12 or so, 2 diff times trying to fondle me, I wasnt aware of what was occurring, one pinned me down, to tickle me with all us kids in the front yard, it was a fun game and he would catch us, tickle and release. But with me, he got on top of me and I was pinned under him and his hand went straight between my legs and it almost felt like he was digging into me, I had pants on, and I didnt like it, and I wanted loose. He was stronger and heavier so I was stuck under him, and I remember trying my hardest with all my strength fighting to get out and yelling, I was almost in a panic state and I remember all the other kids running around him taunting him, they are all laughing and giggling, seeing all their faces to the teen boy, all them saying "Cant catch me!" and wanting their turn. It happened that first time and I thought it was maybe his hand was their on accident. I also remember sitting on the fence watching his catch the others, boys and girls, and he didnt do the same to them, he caught, tickle, didnt get on top of them and released them quickly. He got me again and this time he did the same thing and I remember when I got let loose, my zipper was down. I had no interest from then on. The other kids would still play this game and Id just sit on the fence over to the side and watch. Till one day he looked over at me and said my name and said he was gonna get me. I was so terrified I flew off the fence so fast, ran to my friends house next door, in their backyard gate and slammed it latched behind me panting and gasping for air with my back up against it. I was terrifed. (That was the last of the game, shortly after he was caught molesting the neighbors daughter, my friends were 2 boys and a girl, she was the youngest, he had taken down her pants I guess and licked her from what I was told by the other kids)

My first exposure to a porn magazine? Was once again with these 3 siblings. Two brothers, one a few yrs younger then I, the other bro and sis were more like 8 - 9 yrs younger then I was. I was at their house a lot as a kid. Their grandparents also lived right across from my house and their house was down the block, so they were always back and forth, and we walked to school together, played together, beach trips, dinner, sleep overs, a lot of time there. So we were in the boys room and they got ahold of one of their parents porn mags, and we all sat in the bedroom on the floor all 4 of us young kids looking. I dont recall feeling sexually aroused or turned on or any of that, But I was curious, intrigued, grossed out, all diff feelings, lots of squealing from us all and "look at that!" type comments. And I remember it was a couple man and a woman playing a Chess game on the floor and they are clothed, but then the pics change, and clothes are pulled to the side, then exposed, then the man takes the chess piece and pulls the womans underwear to the side and inserts the chess piece into her. Yes I totally remember this.

Now fast forward to my first really memorable Porn film ( I did see Porkys and Revenge of the Nerds as a minor young) but the actual porn film where I remember being sexually aroused and sneaking late at night and watching was in High school (maybe Sophomore yr?). I was at our new house in the living room on the couch watching free cable, I remember keeping the volume super low and my hand on the remote to click if my mom walked in, she was sleeping. And all I remember was a scene of a man at night taking a woman out in a sports car, and stopping somewhere, taking her out, it was like she was ready and dressed up for a nice date. I think a red dress, blonde hair. And he took her, dominant, aggressive and placed her on the car hood. and pulled up her dress and had sex with her. He didnt ask, he didnt rape either, it wasnt how I took it exactly, but she also seemed surprised and then she floats into the pleasure aspect of it. Thats all I remember of it.

So those are my first exposures. Sex was not talked about in our home at all, for good or bad. The closest curiosity I ever had in play was with the oldest boy of my 3 sibling friends, we used to drag one another across the floor by our pantlegs and giggle and see how far down we could make the others pants fall down. It was stimulating but we were pretty young and innocent, and it was mutual fun curiosity play and nothing else happened. We just giggled at the exposure of our rear ends and pulled them quickly back up.

So now listening to this guy and my own story.....

When I met my ex husband my first partner I was 16 and was in church newly for about a yr, loved it and was so happy there. In youth group. I finally felt I had somewhere, some place that had meaning and I was figuring out life, a place where I got lots of hugs and my youth pastor and teacher were both awesome, loving, compassionate men. I was fortunate there, THey were incredible guys and I learned about saving myself for marriage and being equally yoked. So I said I needed to find a christian boy to marry in my mind.

I had a boy who asked me to be his gf, that lasted a wk, we hardly knew one another and he asked me on the phone if I had had sex before, My reply "Oh no, Im a christian, Im saving myself for marriage" He replied "Oh yeah, me too" he broke up with me the next day.

I had only really kissed a boy at a school dance and went out a few times otherwise and was held by a guy, he was older and a DJ at our school dance. He could drive, came over to see me, picked me up with his friend, he actually was pretty sweet to me, but I think he realized I was too young and naive and it fizzled out.

So my ex? When I began to date him and he said he was a christian I thought it was God. And he took me to a prayer meeting and held my hand at his youth group. He was 18, I was 16. He was at my house watching movies on the living room floor with me under a blanket, my parents were home, etc and we were kissing and then he went under my shirt, I didnt like it, I didnt want it, but I froze, I laid there, I was confused I guess in my head, because he said he was a christian, and now Im thinking "What is he doing?" but I also didnt say No or stop, I was frozen in fear, and I didnt like it. When he got up to leave and I closed the front door, I cried, I prayed to God and that night I said I wanted to break up with him, that it was wrong and that I didnt do that. Well he replied "Im sorry, it wont ever happen again" and I wasnt prepared for that response, so in my young girl mind Im all "Oh he apologized? Oh he knows Im not okay with this and he said he wont do that again"
and I forgave and we went forward. Shortly sometime later he said he wanted to take me on a date, a bonfire, and I remember wearing stretch pants and nylons under them and flat type white shoes, white stretch pants, this was the 80s. And he drove me way out in the middle of nowhere in his work truck late at night down a dirt road, He had to have had this all planned out, he did make a fire, Im not sure if we ate or what all we did and talked, but we were in the truck and we were kissing or something and I cant even recall how it escalated to him touching me, but I just jump to my memory only remember him having my pants pulled down and my nylons and him performing oral sex on me. I mean how did I jump straight that far that fast? I dont even recall to this day? Did I say No? Did I push back? I dont even know? I just know that I was shocked, embarrased to have him there on my body, but I then began to feel pleasure and I couldnt speak, I was saying gibberish. It was such a confusing sensation, it was wrong, I dont want it, oh wait it feels good? Oh I cant like this, oh what is this? Wait didnt I say to him this stuff was wrong and he said he wont do it again? Also doesnt the teachings say this is sin?

Everything sexual progressed from then on. I became very emotionally needy of him all my free time and attn with him. Every waking moment till curfew at his place. And he would touch me, finger me, and then in the dark, it started, he would put objects inside me. He didnt ask, he didnt tell me he was going to, he didnt tell me what it was. He just did it, and he was a bit rough and some of the items were a little rough. But it was thrilling and arousing? But I also felt I could not like it. But I also felt repulsed by it, it was once again confusing and arousing all at the same time. I often bled from the roughness afterwards, not heavily but a little because it obviously tore my skin inside or what have you, But that was the norm. And yes I know this can sound arousing to read, but its a mixed bag and my life. I cant even recall all the objects, but I remember a hair brush, a flashlight, to name 2 items and i know there were more but I dont recall at this time what and i probably didnt always know. Yes he used vegetables also. I was a sexual object to him, a toy, to be used, to be worn down. So it was always in a power over type dynamic and me Id end up feeling guilt ridden and crying after a lot of the time and pray to God. And hed just sit with me as I cried and be sympathetic, once again, more confusing.

So if I look at my early porn viewing and my early mag viewing, what did I see? A man take a woman out late at night and take her dominant and aggressive and in porn mags? A man inserting chess pieces into a womans vagina? hmmm so wow, see a connection there? Inserting objects

So yeah this is fascinating, and its still a big part of my kink to this day, but today? My now second husband is loving about it, kind, shares with me, we pick out toys, he finds surprises and large ones, and I enjoy that element of surprise, but I also dont feel he has to wear me down for it or any of that nonsense, and if Im uncomfortable and dont like something? He backs off. But I like to still be taken, dominated, I actually wish for him to be moreso then he is, hes a very nice lover to me, very safe....

Im going to pause here and continue more later... but these are the questions from the blog I read to answer...

What are the specific sexual fantasies or pornography searches that tend to arouse you the most? What might these sexual fantasies symbolize?

What age were these sexual fantasies established? What was going on in your life at the time?

Was there a time in the last six months when you used pornography or sexual fantasy to give you power in a time of futility or anger?