Never Broken
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2023-02-23 06:00:30 (UTC)

I believe her, and…

At first, I did not think my remarks of understanding would be remarked upon. The next time I heard from Carrie, she was obviously high. She said she had used some herb that her mother, or sister, can’t remember which, had brought from California where cannabis is legal apparently. She spent 3 minutes trying to tell me that she spent the afternoon watching reruns on the couch. I really didn’t understand what the point of her audio message was, since it was so convoluted and seemed to have no point, other than that she watched TV on the couch. I’m also not sure why I needed to have an accounting of her afternoon, but as I’ve been high myself, I’m laughing, not judging. I should have kept the audio message, but in my opinion, it would have been improper to keep a message that would show her in a compromising position. And get your dirty minds our of the gutter. It really was about television.

I don’t know what my response was, but it was short. I think I just said something about reading and playing SQ all day, which is pretty much what I did. Later, I received a message, and a follow up, that make me believe her. Or maybe it’s that I want to? Either way, I am easier in my mind. The messages were:


I am sorry. I probably should’ve said something to you sooner, but I just really wanted you to come. I was being a little bit selfish, and not really considering Allen, or you may be having to leave the boys. I just really am kind of scared. I felt very secure in the teeny tiny trailer, but chances are that I’m way more secure in that building. I don’t know.

And then:

Thanks for being understanding though. I just want you to know, it has absolutely nothing at all to do with anything that went on last time. I know that Allen would go get you for me, and take you home, but I know that he really just is feeling overwhelmed and tired. I guess it’s one of those things where I have to trust God like I say I do. Right?


So, all in all, I do believe her. Not to mention that, as blind persons, we are unable at this moment to drive, and this means we must depend on others. That’s fine when we’re talking about a five minute run to the shops or to get the messages, (groceries), but when we’re talking about an hour and a half one way, well, that’s a little much, especially with a 6 hour one way drive the next day and then coming right back once packing up his mother.

Maybe it’s my guilt eating at me again…good old Catholic guilt. I also can claim Jewish guilt because I have Jewish ancestors too. Might as well take some of their’s. If I had as much of a problem as Carrie seemed to have with some of the things that happened, it would be a long time before I was able to have someone like that in my home for more than a toilet break. Maybe it’s possible that she’s over it. Maybe it’s possible that she really does forgive when she says, a rarity, or maybe it’s that I’m overthinking…. I don’t know.

Guilt makes me think of my mother who angered me greatly a while ago. I was watching a documentary on this prosperity gospel mega church. I was saying how I did not believe in the prosperity gospel because Jesus never said follow me and your lives will be easy, or follow me and you’ll have the keys to health, wealth and happiness. Your life is so much harder when you are a true Christian. I think this needs an entry of it’s own at some point because I just know sure as I’m sitting here, I’m going to get feedback asking me what the hell I’m on about. She demanded that I put headphones on because she didn’t want to “listen to that shit whilst I’m trying to sleep.” The place we are staying in Texas, and my mother doesn’t usually accompany us, but she had a friend she wanted to visit, is small, so when I am in my room, she can hear what I’m doing when the phone is hooked up to it’s speaker. As there is no door technically on my room. I made a crack, that I admit, was probably not wise. I said, “Well, it’s better than Ancient Aliens.” This is an American program aired on the History channel that my mother swears she doesn’t watch, but when I sneak out, I can catch her watching it. I don’t know why, I just got mad. I did not put headphones on. I put a book on instead. It wasn’t what she said, but how she said it. It would have been different if she had asked me nicely to wear headphones or change to something else. Being a parent does not mean you are excused from showing courtesy.